I hate this.


Well, this is my 53d day harm free, and its so bloody difficult.  All since, I don’t know, 6 months ago, maybe more, maybe less, I’ve had problems eating, I just don’t like it, nor do I want to.  I’ve lost 7ish kg since may, I think it was.  And I don’t mind that, but I guess it really shows how little I’m eating.

It started off as sort of a replacement for my harming, I had a harm free period of time, weeks, I don’t know, and it just kicked off. I just didn’t want to eat, and if someone said I had to eat, I became more and more resistant, I just wouldnt eat.  After that it’s just been getting worse, and I have no idea why.

These last months I’ve eaten alittle, once a day, maybe if I was lucky, twice.  My mind’s giving me a hard time if I eat more than twice, “It’s too much, you’ve eaten THREE TIMES, it’s TOO MUCH!!!”

So I made a promise to my boyfriend, to do my best to eat twice a day, so I’m up to either breakfast, skipping lunch and then having dinner, or just skipping breakfast and lunch and having dinner, and then maybe have something small before I go to bed. Messed up, right?

Right now I’ve eaten three times, that’s three meals, and it’s hard, the feeling of food in my stomach, I don’t know why, but just the feeling of something in there, it’s gross, I can’t stand it. Yet I have to eat, I have to, if only once a day.

And I just don’t understand why it’s so damn difficult!?

I mean, it’s eating, its what humans are supposed to do, yet, I have a hard time with it, it makes me feel ill sometimes. It’s even been quite a few times where I’ve had to close my eyes when I pass the bathroom, because my mind wants me to throw it all back up again. But I haven’t, I don’t need that kind of problem on top of everything, I just don’t.

It just doesn’t make sense.

Sure I’ve always been disliking the fact that I’ve been heavy, not fat, just heavy, and I did not like it at all, so maybe it’s that that’s the problem?

I honestly don’t know, but I know that if I continue like this, it won’t turn out well.

Bekka

InsideOut

 

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