Right now I’m writing just to write, no particular reason to be honest, I kind of just feel like writing. But for all I know it could be a way for me to mak myself feel bad again, since I’ve had some alright- almost good night and part of the days, but I can never tell.
You see, I have two sides of me, one good, one bad, just like everyone else. But here’s where it gets tricky, they confuse me so much, because I almost never know which is which, like they have hidden motives. I sound suspicious, maybe paranoid, but I feel like I have to be like that with myself.
The time I stopped writing was because it hurt too much, which is fair enough, and one side of me told me so, but my first thought was that it was because it didn’t want me to deal with my problems, see my dilemma? Yeah I over think so many things way too much, I shouldn’t, but thats just me.
To me, my two sides are like voices in my head, well my voice with different motives, but you get what I mean. Its like the bad one, wants me to not think the good one is there anymore, so when I feel its too painful to write anymore, so I stop, that would be the good side wouldn’t it? Well I thought so too, until the other one opens its mouth. See why I’m confused?
Although my therapist tells me that the good side is very present, in other ways, which I don’t see or notice. Like she says I’m caring, kind and all that stuff, and I don’t know, it kind of made me realize that it’s still there, just not how it used to be.
I know I’m way too deep into the good versus bad thoughts, but what am I really supposed to think when one wants me dead and the other one doesn’t? Sure they both want to make me feel better, to get rid of the pain and the problems, just in complete opposite ways.
Right this second I just realized something; I wouldn’t have been here if the good side wasn’t present, would I? I guess not, so it must be there, there are no other explanation.
When your depressed, and lock in your feelings, refusing to feel them, when you start over again, you need to learn to feel them again, just like a baby, start all over.
I’m jumping from subjects, and sometimes I don’t even notice it before I’ve written five paragraphs about it, and I’ve heard it from people reading my blog, that they don’t notice the change of subject before they’ve read it all, strange isn’t it?
Before I wrap this up, I’d like to share some good news (:
I’m going to England to see my boyfriend for almost a week, 5th to 11th of October, and I’m so excited!
This is my 58th day harm free.