Ugh.. I don’t even know why I’m feeling this low. Started the day with urges to self harm, and I hate it. Why can’t they just go away?

I don’t need them, nor do I want them. Why? Because I can’t do anything about them, I can’t cut or make myself bleed or bruise or break any bones, I just can’t. Not even if my mind craves it. It’s out of the question

While I’m sitting here writing about this, my mind’s trying to convince me that I do want to harm myself, that I need it, and It’s really annoying, because I can’t.

Another thing that’s bothering me is the fact that people are telling me that I might be Bi polar aka manic depressive.  But i don’t really know.  From what I’ve heard its when you have these MASSIVE mood swings, all the time or once in a while? I don’t know.

I’ve had depression (that I know of) for four years, and to me it hasn’t really changed, I think at least.  But who am I to say? I’ve been feeling like this for years, so how can I notice if there’s a change in my always neutral or sad mood?

But I don’t know, because when I started on my medication, I was told that my therapist was certain that I wasn’t Bi polar, and the meds I’m taking (Fluxotine 40mg)  would put a person with the bi polar disorder into the manic phases, so I don’t know what to believe.

I know that I have depression, that much is certain, but for some reason my mind keeps wondering if there might be something more to it?

But how can I know, they tell me I’m depressed, and I know I am, but how could I see the difference between a major depression and manic depression, if I’ve had one of them all along.  Who knows.

Gah I’m confused.

Me: Please give me a break!!!

My mind:  No  asdfghjkl!





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