Ugh.. I don’t even know why I’m feeling this low. Started the day with urges to self harm, and I hate it. Why can’t they just go away?
I don’t need them, nor do I want them. Why? Because I can’t do anything about them, I can’t cut or make myself bleed or bruise or break any bones, I just can’t. Not even if my mind craves it. It’s out of the question
While I’m sitting here writing about this, my mind’s trying to convince me that I do want to harm myself, that I need it, and It’s really annoying, because I can’t.
Another thing that’s bothering me is the fact that people are telling me that I might be Bi polar aka manic depressive. But i don’t really know. From what I’ve heard its when you have these MASSIVE mood swings, all the time or once in a while? I don’t know.
I’ve had depression (that I know of) for four years, and to me it hasn’t really changed, I think at least. But who am I to say? I’ve been feeling like this for years, so how can I notice if there’s a change in my always neutral or sad mood?
But I don’t know, because when I started on my medication, I was told that my therapist was certain that I wasn’t Bi polar, and the meds I’m taking (Fluxotine 40mg) would put a person with the bi polar disorder into the manic phases, so I don’t know what to believe.
I know that I have depression, that much is certain, but for some reason my mind keeps wondering if there might be something more to it?
But how can I know, they tell me I’m depressed, and I know I am, but how could I see the difference between a major depression and manic depression, if I’ve had one of them all along. Who knows.
Gah I’m confused.
Me: Please give me a break!!!
My mind: No asdfghjkl!