No words?


I’m laying here in my bed, it’s 10.30 pm, and I’m thinking about today, what’s happened, my moods and such, but it’s like I don’t have the words to describe my day, or I won’t let myself.  Either or, at least I’m trying.

I have this heavy feeling in my chest, and I know it’s because of an “locked door”. I’m sort of locking myself out without even meaning to.

The feeling consists of the words I’ve left unsaid, because I didn’t want to say them, the feelings I’ve had, because I didn’t want anyone to know.  I know it’s wrong, to shut everything up inside me like this, so thats why I’m writing just this moment, to try to let it all out, even if I have to fight my own mind in the process.

What I’m about to say, might not be such a big deal to you out there, it might even be silly, or stupid, but that’s because you weren’t me, you aren’t me, in those fucked up moments.

How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I’m being bullied by my own mind? Calling me stupid and ugly, and a worthless piece of shit. The only way I knew to deal with it was to harm myself, I had strong urges, trying to convince me to find the razors, to cut some deep beautiful scars, saying “It’s okay, no one will know. Just alittle, come on.” Kept reminding me of the fact that I hurt so bad inside, wanted to do some damage to myself and watch myself bleed. But I didn’t, and I don’t know why.

I still want to, right at this second, but for some reason I can’t. I wish I knew why.

The only way I know how to cope with this is to sleep, its what I always do, and what I’ll do after I finish this.

I wish I had sleeping pills, then I’d take them and every time I woke up, I’d take another one. I just want to sleep, I can’t bare being awake when it hurts so much. If I could, I would’ve slept for days.

Well well,

Night night everyone

Bekka

InsideOut

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