would it have made a difference?


One thing I’m not good at is actually picking up the phone, wither it’s on purpose or not. Right now I’m just wondering wither it would’ve mad a difference.

A friend of mine tried calling me on Monday I think, and I didn’t notice, and now I haven’t heard from her since, and I’m worried. She’s struggling, just like me. Her blog haven’t been updated and she haven’t been on skype, so yes I’m worried. Hopefully she’s just admitted to the ward again, which means she’s safe, or she just haven’t been arsed to be online, but honestly, I’m fearing the worst has happened.

I could call her if I had credit, but I don’t, so there’s not much I can do. But worry.

I’ve told her that if she needs me I’m always available on the phone, no matter the time of day or night, I’ll always have time to talk to her, calm her down or what ever she needs at the time.  And she called, I do not know what it was about, but I feel like I let her down, because, what if it was important, and I wasn’t there?

I want to help her as much as I can, but I just feel like a let down. I’m not helping anybody.

I have so many flaws it’s insane, I never pick up the phone, because I can’t be arsed to talk to people, or I’m avoiding someone. Yes I’m a whuss. I rarely make an effort to stay in touch with people, because if they want to stay in touch with me, they should make an effort to do so. I’m insecure as fuck, sometimes paranoid. And so many other things.

People say I’m a good person, but the truth is, I’m not. I’m  horrible person.

Sure I don’t give a shit what happens to me, I care about others, as long as they’re okay, it’s fine. Just like I’m still here, because of others, I try, because of others.  I’m not really doing anything for myself at all.

The reason to that I think is because I don’t think I’m that important anyways. Others are more important.

But why is it like this? I honestly don’t know. Or maybe I do, maybe I’m just suppressing it?

All I know is that I don’t want to have a look inside myself to find out, because all it does is leaving me so damn confused and messing my head up even more with all the questions I do not have the answer to.

So frustrating. asdfghl.

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So terribly insecure.


And I hate it.

Just the same with changes, I hate them. Make one small change, and you’ll turn my world upside down, leaving me clueless and confused.

I read way too much into things, read between the lines, look for secret meanings, even double meanings, because that’s what I’ve grown up with. I don’t really notice doing it before it’s done and the thoughts are formed, then there’s no way back.

What stupid thing got to me this time you ask? Well, a minor thing, could mean everything, but it could also mean nothing at all. I don’t think he’s aware of it, or maybe he is?   argh see? This is how my head works, completely and utterly messed up.

Just because he’s started to say the words ‘much love’  instead of ‘I love you’.   Stupid I know.

But I’m scared he’s meaning something by it, that he doesn’t love me as much as he used to, or that he doesn’t love me at all. I get all these thoughts because I’m so terrified to lose him, like you have no idea how afraid I am of exactly that.

It could still mean I love you, but at the same time it couldn’t. It kind of depends on what he puts behind it.

I put so much though behind every word I write, to make it right, for me and for others. To not hurt or insult them, or make them feel like I dont care, because I do, and sometimes, too much.

i haven’t written in a while, which you might have noticed ( If anyone reads this that is), and I don’t really have a reason, I just haven’t done it.

Right now I’m sitting here thinking about what I wanted to do a few days ago or so, this weekend i think?

I wanted to get out of therapy, quit my meds and everything, just wanting to feel “normal” again.  But I really don’t know if I want to anymore, I really don’t.

asdfghjkl

I’m so confused and torn right now.