One thing I’m not good at is actually picking up the phone, wither it’s on purpose or not. Right now I’m just wondering wither it would’ve mad a difference.
A friend of mine tried calling me on Monday I think, and I didn’t notice, and now I haven’t heard from her since, and I’m worried. She’s struggling, just like me. Her blog haven’t been updated and she haven’t been on skype, so yes I’m worried. Hopefully she’s just admitted to the ward again, which means she’s safe, or she just haven’t been arsed to be online, but honestly, I’m fearing the worst has happened.
I could call her if I had credit, but I don’t, so there’s not much I can do. But worry.
I’ve told her that if she needs me I’m always available on the phone, no matter the time of day or night, I’ll always have time to talk to her, calm her down or what ever she needs at the time. And she called, I do not know what it was about, but I feel like I let her down, because, what if it was important, and I wasn’t there?
I want to help her as much as I can, but I just feel like a let down. I’m not helping anybody.
I have so many flaws it’s insane, I never pick up the phone, because I can’t be arsed to talk to people, or I’m avoiding someone. Yes I’m a whuss. I rarely make an effort to stay in touch with people, because if they want to stay in touch with me, they should make an effort to do so. I’m insecure as fuck, sometimes paranoid. And so many other things.
People say I’m a good person, but the truth is, I’m not. I’m horrible person.
Sure I don’t give a shit what happens to me, I care about others, as long as they’re okay, it’s fine. Just like I’m still here, because of others, I try, because of others. I’m not really doing anything for myself at all.
The reason to that I think is because I don’t think I’m that important anyways. Others are more important.
But why is it like this? I honestly don’t know. Or maybe I do, maybe I’m just suppressing it?
All I know is that I don’t want to have a look inside myself to find out, because all it does is leaving me so damn confused and messing my head up even more with all the questions I do not have the answer to.
So frustrating. asdfghl.