And I hate it.
Just the same with changes, I hate them. Make one small change, and you’ll turn my world upside down, leaving me clueless and confused.
I read way too much into things, read between the lines, look for secret meanings, even double meanings, because that’s what I’ve grown up with. I don’t really notice doing it before it’s done and the thoughts are formed, then there’s no way back.
What stupid thing got to me this time you ask? Well, a minor thing, could mean everything, but it could also mean nothing at all. I don’t think he’s aware of it, or maybe he is? argh see? This is how my head works, completely and utterly messed up.
Just because he’s started to say the words ‘much love’ instead of ‘I love you’. Stupid I know.
But I’m scared he’s meaning something by it, that he doesn’t love me as much as he used to, or that he doesn’t love me at all. I get all these thoughts because I’m so terrified to lose him, like you have no idea how afraid I am of exactly that.
It could still mean I love you, but at the same time it couldn’t. It kind of depends on what he puts behind it.
I put so much though behind every word I write, to make it right, for me and for others. To not hurt or insult them, or make them feel like I dont care, because I do, and sometimes, too much.
i haven’t written in a while, which you might have noticed ( If anyone reads this that is), and I don’t really have a reason, I just haven’t done it.
Right now I’m sitting here thinking about what I wanted to do a few days ago or so, this weekend i think?
I wanted to get out of therapy, quit my meds and everything, just wanting to feel “normal” again. But I really don’t know if I want to anymore, I really don’t.
I’m so confused and torn right now.