It’s all inside my head.


That’s basically where all the shit starts, in your own mind, created by yourself. But we’re just merely humans, and I guess we’re just supposed to be that complicated?

I have been told numerous of times exactly that ” it’s all in your head”.  And I can’t deny the fact that it’s true. But it’s something each and every one of us has to find out how to work on, to figure out the triggers, what you’re afraid of and what, and all the other things that come with that, and in the end, you get to the cause of the problem, maybe even the main problem as well.

No, it’s not easy at all, but for us to be able to move on, we have to do so. It’s hard, exhausting, might bring you on the edge, you want to give up, but you can’t. You know why? Because then all your efforts and progress will be for nothing.

I think I’m one of many who wish they could just open their mind and grab a problem, instead of using ages to find it, find the cause, or what it is you do. Grabbing a problem, and looking into it, like a  book.

But sadly life isn’t like that, and so far as we know, we humans don’t work like that.

Eating disorders, anxiety, depression and who knows what. It’s all in your head. 

I, myself react very strongly to this phrase, it makes me, angry? Annoyed? I’m not sure, but it brings out feelings in me, even though I know that it’s true, I still have my mind struggling to accept it(?)

Our minds are a strange place, it’s endless, you can lose yourself in it, get stuck, drown in confusion or who knows what. But I guess that’s what makes us humans, humans.

It’s strange how I’ve managed to somehow convince myself that I am not in control of my own mind, my own feelings, because, my mind, my feelings, are me.  But it doesn’t feel like it. And that’s probably because I’ve told myself that I don’t have control, for so long.

Tell yourself something long enough, you’ll start to believe it.

Yeah, another look inside my mind and my thoughts. It probably doesn’t make much sense, not even to me, I think.

Oh well, it’s better to write about what’s on my mind at this second, than to write nothing at all.

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Control?


It’s strange, how things work out, how they affect you.

Like, if I don’t have a session with my therapist in weeks, everything goes downhill, and in the worst cases, I turn suicidal and things like that. And now, I’ve started with TFT, as I’ve said in previous posts. And what we’re focusing on is my eating, because it seems to me that I may be sort of scared of food. I haven’t figured that out yet. Anyhow, my point is that when I have session, and after a session, I’m able to not be so conscious about what I eat and how much and things like that, but if I don’t have a session in a long time, I go back to my old habits. Eating gets more difficult, I don’t eat if I’m hungry, and only eat a little amount of food twice a day, sometimes once.  I’m scared of eating too much, having too many meals.

It’s strange, because a part of me wants to not eat, and I’m guessing that’s my anxiety mixed with self destruction. Like it’s a replacement for my harming. I don’t really know, but that’s what I’m guessing it is.

I don’t know how people can force themselves to eat when your mind tells you not to, that you do not want food.

I do not want to eat, but still I do. Why?  My reason is that I lack self control.

I cannot control anything in my life, nor make decisions on my own. And eating, that’s something I can control. But yet, I fail at it. Again, and again, and again.

What I’ve had today is, my vitamins, a glass of milk, some fizzy drink, some chocolate, dinner; a potato, one carrot, and some bites of sausage. And a little rice pudding.   Seeing it like this is so overwhelming. It’s so much. Too much.

Yet I know that it’s not. But my mind wont realize it, won’t believe it.

I wish I knew how to fix it. But the real question is, do I want to?

I’m never doing anything for myself, I just can’t. So I’m trying because of my boyfriend, because it worries him so much. But at the same time, I can’t take myself seriously, I don’t see that I have a problem with food, because it swings so much. How can I have a problem with food when I still eat?

When I eat, and smell or see food after, I feel sick. I just want to get away from it. It feels more like disgust than anxiety, but I don’t know anymore.

I just have my mind telling me that I do not want food, that I do not want to eat.

I just don’t know what to do.

Counting the days.


I can’t believe its christmas soon, in like what, sixteen days?

It’s quite weird to think about, but this year I actually look forward to christmas, besides the food. I still have an issue with food.  I haven’t looked forward to christmas in years, I don’t even remember the last time I was excited about it.

As usual my thoughts get all mixed up and thought half way through before another one cuts it off and starts with a new one. It’s actually never easy to write anymore, but I like, maybe even love to write, so I cannot let that stop me.

I’ve started with my new therapy now (Thought Field Therapy) and it seems to work, slowly, but I notice small differences. Which is a good thing right?

I’m really not sure what to write, but for some reason a comment I got really made me in the mood to write again. One of my old friends from 1st year of college, Ingrid.  When I saw her comment it made me realize just how much I miss the people at my old school. I even miss my old best friend, a heck of a lot.  But I know we’re better off like this, apart.

I remember around this time last year, I remember it being tough, not going into school very often, and me being I’ll right before christmas.  We had tonnes of snow, and at christmas eve I was sad, not sure why, but I think it had something to do with my dad, so hopefully this years christmas will be better.

Well enough dwelling on the past.

Guess what, the 28th this month I’m going to see my boyfriend again and spend new years with him and his family, which’ll be nice, I’m excited to go to England again.  And I can’t think of a better way to start the new year than with my boyfriend there with me.

Right this moment I’m just sitting in my room, under my covers and listening to the rain.  The snow will go for sure, and it will probably be even more slippery tomorrow. But hey, at least I can hope that there will be snow for christmas eve.  Fingers crossed.

I’m just feeling really calm, but at the same time kind of empty, and tired as always.  I wish this could change soon, I really do. But as my boyfriend tends to say; It takes time.

So I guess I just have to wait, wait and see what happens.  Because, maybe it will get better, maybe I’ll allow myself to hope that it will soon, or even once?

We’ll see, but for now, I’ll wait.

Figuring it out.


I haven’t been writing here in like forever, but yet, here I am again.

A lot has been going on the past time, like healing, just started TFT (Thought field therapy), quitting my meds, harm free since 28th of October. And Loads of suicidal thoughts.

But I got through it, I’m prepared to fight it. I also found out I have anxiety slash depression, so that explains a lot to me.

This is just kind of like an update, but maybe it’ll turn out to be something completely different when I’m done, you never know with me.

Feeling -> Anxiety -> Defense

What this means is kind of how I work. I have anxiety towards loads of things, but most about my own feelings. As many of you out there who’s following my blog knows, I keep my feelings inside so I don’t have to feel them because it gets too intense. Bad habit I know, now I just have to find out how to stop doing just that. But I’m working on it.

So I get a feeling, but its just a brief second so I don’t really notice it, and that leads to anxiety, and when it’s too intense it leads to my defense which in my case is urges or suicidal thoughts.  That’s pretty much me.

But I’m hoping I won’t be like this forever.

I’ll make it, with treatment and without any medication. I’m nowhere prepared, because the truth is, you can’t. You can’t be ready for everything life throws at you, you just have to deal with it any way you can, or get help from others to deal with it and move on. Sounds pretty easy, but I’m guessing everyone who’s ever had to face an obstacle in life knows it isn’t that easy at all.

But the first step is admitting that you can’t do it alone (if that’s the case) and get help to sort it out, no matter how long it takes.

I’ve been like this for what, four-ish years now, and I’m finally ready to fight it. Well I can never be ready I think, but if I don’t try to change, I never will.

I got the support I need, my boyfriend and my youngest brother and of course the professionals working with me and my twisted mind. But I’ll get there in time, I’m winning this no matter what, because I’m not letting it break me.

A lot of this might not make sense to you out there, because it barely does to me, but that could be because I haven’t written in ages, who knows.

Right now my head’s pretty empty, at the same time it’s so messy and confusing. I get like the start of a thought before another one pops up and pushes the other one away. So if this post is confusing, that’s most likely why.

It’s like I feel like there’s so much I want to say or write about, but everything comes at me at once so I can’t. Another think I’ll have to work on.

But I’m curious tho, who will I be when all this is over?