Figuring it out.

I haven’t been writing here in like forever, but yet, here I am again.

A lot has been going on the past time, like healing, just started TFT (Thought field therapy), quitting my meds, harm free since 28th of October. And Loads of suicidal thoughts.

But I got through it, I’m prepared to fight it. I also found out I have anxiety slash depression, so that explains a lot to me.

This is just kind of like an update, but maybe it’ll turn out to be something completely different when I’m done, you never know with me.

Feeling -> Anxiety -> Defense

What this means is kind of how I work. I have anxiety towards loads of things, but most about my own feelings. As many of you out there who’s following my blog knows, I keep my feelings inside so I don’t have to feel them because it gets too intense. Bad habit I know, now I just have to find out how to stop doing just that. But I’m working on it.

So I get a feeling, but its just a brief second so I don’t really notice it, and that leads to anxiety, and when it’s too intense it leads to my defense which in my case is urges or suicidal thoughts.  That’s pretty much me.

But I’m hoping I won’t be like this forever.

I’ll make it, with treatment and without any medication. I’m nowhere prepared, because the truth is, you can’t. You can’t be ready for everything life throws at you, you just have to deal with it any way you can, or get help from others to deal with it and move on. Sounds pretty easy, but I’m guessing everyone who’s ever had to face an obstacle in life knows it isn’t that easy at all.

But the first step is admitting that you can’t do it alone (if that’s the case) and get help to sort it out, no matter how long it takes.

I’ve been like this for what, four-ish years now, and I’m finally ready to fight it. Well I can never be ready I think, but if I don’t try to change, I never will.

I got the support I need, my boyfriend and my youngest brother and of course the professionals working with me and my twisted mind. But I’ll get there in time, I’m winning this no matter what, because I’m not letting it break me.

A lot of this might not make sense to you out there, because it barely does to me, but that could be because I haven’t written in ages, who knows.

Right now my head’s pretty empty, at the same time it’s so messy and confusing. I get like the start of a thought before another one pops up and pushes the other one away. So if this post is confusing, that’s most likely why.

It’s like I feel like there’s so much I want to say or write about, but everything comes at me at once so I can’t. Another think I’ll have to work on.

But I’m curious tho, who will I be when all this is over?