Control?


It’s strange, how things work out, how they affect you.

Like, if I don’t have a session with my therapist in weeks, everything goes downhill, and in the worst cases, I turn suicidal and things like that. And now, I’ve started with TFT, as I’ve said in previous posts. And what we’re focusing on is my eating, because it seems to me that I may be sort of scared of food. I haven’t figured that out yet. Anyhow, my point is that when I have session, and after a session, I’m able to not be so conscious about what I eat and how much and things like that, but if I don’t have a session in a long time, I go back to my old habits. Eating gets more difficult, I don’t eat if I’m hungry, and only eat a little amount of food twice a day, sometimes once.  I’m scared of eating too much, having too many meals.

It’s strange, because a part of me wants to not eat, and I’m guessing that’s my anxiety mixed with self destruction. Like it’s a replacement for my harming. I don’t really know, but that’s what I’m guessing it is.

I don’t know how people can force themselves to eat when your mind tells you not to, that you do not want food.

I do not want to eat, but still I do. Why?  My reason is that I lack self control.

I cannot control anything in my life, nor make decisions on my own. And eating, that’s something I can control. But yet, I fail at it. Again, and again, and again.

What I’ve had today is, my vitamins, a glass of milk, some fizzy drink, some chocolate, dinner; a potato, one carrot, and some bites of sausage. And a little rice pudding.   Seeing it like this is so overwhelming. It’s so much. Too much.

Yet I know that it’s not. But my mind wont realize it, won’t believe it.

I wish I knew how to fix it. But the real question is, do I want to?

I’m never doing anything for myself, I just can’t. So I’m trying because of my boyfriend, because it worries him so much. But at the same time, I can’t take myself seriously, I don’t see that I have a problem with food, because it swings so much. How can I have a problem with food when I still eat?

When I eat, and smell or see food after, I feel sick. I just want to get away from it. It feels more like disgust than anxiety, but I don’t know anymore.

I just have my mind telling me that I do not want food, that I do not want to eat.

I just don’t know what to do.

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