It’s rather strange to think about; well not really for me though, but if people knew what went on in my head, I guess they would find it strange, maybe even worrisome.
Having thoughts, seeing short clips inside your head of yourself losing control, even though I don’t think it has ever happened. Slamming my wrists, my head, into things, walls, corners, hoping to inflict damage on myself, to lose control and just go for it, not just imagine it. But, I don’t know, maybe it just isn’t me? Or is it because I’m too worried about the others around me? Maybe that’s why I don’t do it?
I imagine ways to kill myself, or to harm myself. Like how to bring loads of pills into the psych ward, or even razors for that matter. I think it through.
And I guess to me, this isn’t strange at all. But I know very well, that it should be.
When it comes to food, I certainly do not want to lose control, I want to eat less and less. I even have thoughts about how I want to be just skin and bones, even though I know it’s not very nice to look at or anything. I’m not even sure why I have thoughts like that sometimes, because, oh well I don’t know that either.
I guess that strange has become what’s “normal” to me.
It’s like I have all these sentences and words floating inside my head, but I can’t grasp them. I know they’re there, but I can’t put them into words. I guess it’s more sort of a feeling, mixed up with some words, floating around in there.
Sometimes I can grab a hold of something; sometimes the whole sentence or the whole thing, and some times, I can only get a part of it, or nothing at all.
I’ve struggled mentally for some years now, and I notice that if I get ill, like get a cold or the flu or what it is, everything gets harder to handle. Cause then I have the mental things, which is all in my head, and a physical thing added to it. And it’s really tough.
I’ve been sort of numb for days now, but luckily not the bad kind, just calm numbness; I’ve just not felt anything. It’s just like the only thing I do is exist. And for a change, I want to feel something.
Sadly the only way I know how is to harm myself.
When I think of my mind, the first thing that comes to mind is disorted, yeah I’m not sure how to spell it either. It’s messed up, piles of words and memories, flashbacks and wishes, and you name it, basically everywhere. Again, the only way I know how to get some clarity is to cut, to feel the relief. And just like a puzzle, every piece falls back into place. Soon enough to be messed up again, but for some reason it seems to be worth it, strange isn’t it?
I’ve been clean since 28th of October, and I don’t really think much of it, nor am I proud. I just don’t care I guess.
I know I shouldn’t slip up, because then I’ll feel bad, and maybe a little paranoid, keep wondering who knows, if anyone knows, and to keep pulling my clothes down, where I did the damage.
Another thing that bothers me, well sort of, is to make decisions concerning others, like if I’m eating with someone and they ask me what we should eat, either pizza or Chinese, I just can’t decide. I couldn’t care less about what I want, as long as I don’t pick the wrong option for the person involved.
It probably didn’t make much sense either, but that’s my heads speciality, to not make anything make sense.