I want to recover.


I know I do want this, I want to get better, smile and be happy, without all this.

But the thing is, I don’t know how to do it or what to do.

My mum doesn’t think I’m doing much to try to get better, but I try, I go to therapy, and I talk about my problems and try to figure them out. I don’t really know what else to do either.

My therapist wants me on medication again, and I have somewhat mixed feelings about it, but at the same time it’s like I don’t even bother to care about it. Like I’ve stopped caring about almost everything.

One of my biggest issues is my anxiety, and the fact that I don’t know what to do about it or even how to get better. I face my “fears” every day, I go outside, I’m around people, but still no changes made. I’m doing what my mum did, she faced her fears, and it helped her, so why can’t it help me?

She’s telling me to go out more, go on walks, hang out with friends. But the thing is, the reason I stay in my room most of the time is because it’s safe, I’m only around myself and only have to deal with my own feelings. And another reason I don’t go out much is because I don’t really have that much friends.

I can’t force my cousin to hang out with me all the time, sure we have fun together and get along really well, but she has a life and friends, and I don’t want to interrupt that.  And the truth is, I don’t really feel that I fit in with them, or anywhere for that matter.

When I’m in a good mood, and laugh, smile and talk a lot, I feel like I’m finally myself, the person I want to be. But the question is; will I ever be that person, all the time? If so, how?

One thing I want more than anything is for my head to shut up, stop protesting and let me try things for once. For once I want to be in control. I just have to figure out how.

I don’t want to be stuck like this for the rest of my life, just the thought is unbearable.

It’s almost like I’m unable to make decisions, concerning others and myself alone.  When it comes down to myself its because I don’t trust myself, I’m afraid that I might have hidden motives for myself, crazy huh? And when it’s choices concerning others, I’m afraid of making the wrong choice, even when it comes to deciding what to eat, because I don’t care if it’s not right for me, as long as that other person gets what he or she wants.

My head’s a mess as usual, and things don’t really mean anything, or make sense for that matter, so I’ll just leave it at this.

 

 

Hello?


Yeah, It’s me again.

I haven’t written in ages, because honestly, I’m not sure what to write about. I’m always worried that my mind will get messed up again, and again, and yet again. Just like it always does when I try to write, at least when it’s sort of personal that is.

I always feel like I’m not good enough, just when I was self harming, the cuts got deep and wide, but yet, I had this idea inside my head that it wasn’t good enough, they weren’t good enough. They were OK if I could see the flesh and if they were wide. But still they were not even close to good enough. Insane, I know, but that’s how my mind worked, and still does.

I am today three months and eight days harm free. And honestly, it haven’t really been that difficult to not do it, but these last days, even this last week, have been somewhat difficult. I’m swinging between anger and sadness, followed by numbness. And I, who does not handle feeling emotions very well, find it very difficult.

I feel like my mind has control, but that I am not in control of it, if that makes any sense? Like if I step on the scales, and I have gained weight, I am devastated, and my mind goes on and on about losing weight, even starving, and when people try to help by giving me advice on how to lose weight, all I hear is protests, because they mention food, eating more often, eating more. I know that they are trying to help because they are worried, but it’s difficult when my mind does not seem to cooperate.

One part of my mind goes on about losing weight (not all the time), and the other one goes on about how I can’t do it, there’s no point because I won’t make it anyways, and things like that.

I know I should stay away from the scales, but I can’t. I want to feel good about myself, and the only time I do, is simply when I’ve lost weight.

My head is always a mess, I know the difference between the “sick” thoughts, and the healthy ones, the “normal” ones, but yet, why do I believe the “sick” ones over the healthy ones? Why do they make more sense to me? For now, I do not know why, but I hope it will be the other way around some day.

I find it very strange, and a little worrying that my own mind is working against my “recovery”, even though I do not really have anything to recover from, do I?

I know I have issues with things, others would call it problems, but I cannot see it as problems. Why? Because they are not serious enough to be considered as problems to me. I simply cannot accept that I have a problem, if I do.

There’s probably a lot more to say about this, but it’s all I got a hold of for the time being.

xx