Yeah, It’s me again.
I haven’t written in ages, because honestly, I’m not sure what to write about. I’m always worried that my mind will get messed up again, and again, and yet again. Just like it always does when I try to write, at least when it’s sort of personal that is.
I always feel like I’m not good enough, just when I was self harming, the cuts got deep and wide, but yet, I had this idea inside my head that it wasn’t good enough, they weren’t good enough. They were OK if I could see the flesh and if they were wide. But still they were not even close to good enough. Insane, I know, but that’s how my mind worked, and still does.
I am today three months and eight days harm free. And honestly, it haven’t really been that difficult to not do it, but these last days, even this last week, have been somewhat difficult. I’m swinging between anger and sadness, followed by numbness. And I, who does not handle feeling emotions very well, find it very difficult.
I feel like my mind has control, but that I am not in control of it, if that makes any sense? Like if I step on the scales, and I have gained weight, I am devastated, and my mind goes on and on about losing weight, even starving, and when people try to help by giving me advice on how to lose weight, all I hear is protests, because they mention food, eating more often, eating more. I know that they are trying to help because they are worried, but it’s difficult when my mind does not seem to cooperate.
One part of my mind goes on about losing weight (not all the time), and the other one goes on about how I can’t do it, there’s no point because I won’t make it anyways, and things like that.
I know I should stay away from the scales, but I can’t. I want to feel good about myself, and the only time I do, is simply when I’ve lost weight.
My head is always a mess, I know the difference between the “sick” thoughts, and the healthy ones, the “normal” ones, but yet, why do I believe the “sick” ones over the healthy ones? Why do they make more sense to me? For now, I do not know why, but I hope it will be the other way around some day.
I find it very strange, and a little worrying that my own mind is working against my “recovery”, even though I do not really have anything to recover from, do I?
I know I have issues with things, others would call it problems, but I cannot see it as problems. Why? Because they are not serious enough to be considered as problems to me. I simply cannot accept that I have a problem, if I do.
There’s probably a lot more to say about this, but it’s all I got a hold of for the time being.