I want to recover.


I know I do want this, I want to get better, smile and be happy, without all this.

But the thing is, I don’t know how to do it or what to do.

My mum doesn’t think I’m doing much to try to get better, but I try, I go to therapy, and I talk about my problems and try to figure them out. I don’t really know what else to do either.

My therapist wants me on medication again, and I have somewhat mixed feelings about it, but at the same time it’s like I don’t even bother to care about it. Like I’ve stopped caring about almost everything.

One of my biggest issues is my anxiety, and the fact that I don’t know what to do about it or even how to get better. I face my “fears” every day, I go outside, I’m around people, but still no changes made. I’m doing what my mum did, she faced her fears, and it helped her, so why can’t it help me?

She’s telling me to go out more, go on walks, hang out with friends. But the thing is, the reason I stay in my room most of the time is because it’s safe, I’m only around myself and only have to deal with my own feelings. And another reason I don’t go out much is because I don’t really have that much friends.

I can’t force my cousin to hang out with me all the time, sure we have fun together and get along really well, but she has a life and friends, and I don’t want to interrupt that.  And the truth is, I don’t really feel that I fit in with them, or anywhere for that matter.

When I’m in a good mood, and laugh, smile and talk a lot, I feel like I’m finally myself, the person I want to be. But the question is; will I ever be that person, all the time? If so, how?

One thing I want more than anything is for my head to shut up, stop protesting and let me try things for once. For once I want to be in control. I just have to figure out how.

I don’t want to be stuck like this for the rest of my life, just the thought is unbearable.

It’s almost like I’m unable to make decisions, concerning others and myself alone.  When it comes down to myself its because I don’t trust myself, I’m afraid that I might have hidden motives for myself, crazy huh? And when it’s choices concerning others, I’m afraid of making the wrong choice, even when it comes to deciding what to eat, because I don’t care if it’s not right for me, as long as that other person gets what he or she wants.

My head’s a mess as usual, and things don’t really mean anything, or make sense for that matter, so I’ll just leave it at this.

 

 

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