Is it really?


Lately I’ve been wondering, or rather maybe realizing that all thats going on with me, the anxiety and depression and such, It’s really all my fault.

I got myself into this mess (not on purpose tho) and by doing that, I’ve hurt all those who love and care about me. It’s kind of selfish, don’t you think? That’s at least how I feel about it, selfish.

I guess I’ve blamed my ‘dad’ for it, which isn’t right because It’s I who got myself into this mess. Sure others may have a small part of it, but it’s mostly myself I have to blame.

I don’t know why I keep thinking about it, why It’s so important to have someone to blame, but at the same time I know I can’t, I’m not allowed to blame anyone else for my mess. I’m not sure how to explain it but it’s like I’m not allowed to blame anyone but myself, if that makes any sense that it is.

Another thing is that I’m sort of worried about what’s going to happen on the 26th this month, me and my mum, probably my step dad too, to discuss the medication I’m going to be taking, but that’s not what I’m worried about. The fact that the last time I started taking medication, mum got me admitted to the psych ward for a week, and I asked her about that, if she would do that if there were a minor suicide risk this time as well, and she said maybe, she didn’t know. But I’m worried I’ll end up there again. Sure if she wants me to, and the doctors agree to it, I’ll do it just so she’ll stop worrying, but I’m also worried that it’ll make things worse.

When my new therapist mentioned that I had been a reason to worry my old therapist for quite a while, cause she was afraid I’d kill myself, and that triggered me, because I don’t usually talk about that, it’s scary. Why? Because I know a part of me craves it, but it’s not strong enough to push me into having suicidal thoughts or plans or anything, but it’s still worrying.

Another part of me wants to have me admitted to the ward for a while, to get better, but I know what I’m dealing with isn’t serious enough for that, unless I turn suicidal, which I’m not.

I’m scared of the ward, and I’m scared of the suicidal thoughts or behavior or what to call it. So I guess I’m sort of stuck, just like I’ve been for quite a while.

 

Writing


One of my favourite things to do is to write, I used to write a lot, from songs, to poems, even texts.

But lately, or it’s actually been like this for quite a while, that I am unable to write anything meaningful before the protests starts. I feel it through my body, like its screaming no, and wipes out my thoughts, either completely, or only half of them, leaving me frustrated and terribly confused, and as you might know, its not good feelings to have.

I’ve explained the issue with my mind in pervious posts, so I don’t think I’ll have to explain it any further.

I’m diagnosed with depression and social anxiety, but I’m so many times left wondering if there might be something more, or something entirely different “wrong” with me. The way my mind acts is like it has a mind of its own. Like when I’m struggling, and people, usually my boyfriend tries to help, he says things that are right, things I should listen to, and I want to, because I know it could maybe help, but that’s where my mind kicks in and starts denying it, protesting against it, making me believe the opposite of what’s right for me, even though I know so well that what he said is or was true, I just can’t make myself believe in it, just because my mind makes me believe otherwise.

It’s rather difficult to explain, even for me.

I’m sitting here with my mind completely empty, as I do every time I attempt to make a post, it’s frustrating because it makes me unable to put words on what I’m feeling. It’s like a constant battle with myself, where the only thing I can do is sit and watch, because I have no idea what to do, or how to even “fight” it, because, it’s me, myself.

I’m starting on medications again soon, so I’m just hoping that they’ll work.

I’m left with this feeling like no matter what I write, it’s meaningless, it does not mean anything to anyone. But I guess that’s because I’m unable to explain things properly, so I feel like I’m not getting anywhere with this.

Hopeless. And again it seems to me that my mind has won.