One of my favourite things to do is to write, I used to write a lot, from songs, to poems, even texts.
But lately, or it’s actually been like this for quite a while, that I am unable to write anything meaningful before the protests starts. I feel it through my body, like its screaming no, and wipes out my thoughts, either completely, or only half of them, leaving me frustrated and terribly confused, and as you might know, its not good feelings to have.
I’ve explained the issue with my mind in pervious posts, so I don’t think I’ll have to explain it any further.
I’m diagnosed with depression and social anxiety, but I’m so many times left wondering if there might be something more, or something entirely different “wrong” with me. The way my mind acts is like it has a mind of its own. Like when I’m struggling, and people, usually my boyfriend tries to help, he says things that are right, things I should listen to, and I want to, because I know it could maybe help, but that’s where my mind kicks in and starts denying it, protesting against it, making me believe the opposite of what’s right for me, even though I know so well that what he said is or was true, I just can’t make myself believe in it, just because my mind makes me believe otherwise.
It’s rather difficult to explain, even for me.
I’m sitting here with my mind completely empty, as I do every time I attempt to make a post, it’s frustrating because it makes me unable to put words on what I’m feeling. It’s like a constant battle with myself, where the only thing I can do is sit and watch, because I have no idea what to do, or how to even “fight” it, because, it’s me, myself.
I’m starting on medications again soon, so I’m just hoping that they’ll work.
I’m left with this feeling like no matter what I write, it’s meaningless, it does not mean anything to anyone. But I guess that’s because I’m unable to explain things properly, so I feel like I’m not getting anywhere with this.
Hopeless. And again it seems to me that my mind has won.