Is it really?

Lately I’ve been wondering, or rather maybe realizing that all thats going on with me, the anxiety and depression and such, It’s really all my fault.

I got myself into this mess (not on purpose tho) and by doing that, I’ve hurt all those who love and care about me. It’s kind of selfish, don’t you think? That’s at least how I feel about it, selfish.

I guess I’ve blamed my ‘dad’ for it, which isn’t right because It’s I who got myself into this mess. Sure others may have a small part of it, but it’s mostly myself I have to blame.

I don’t know why I keep thinking about it, why It’s so important to have someone to blame, but at the same time I know I can’t, I’m not allowed to blame anyone else for my mess. I’m not sure how to explain it but it’s like I’m not allowed to blame anyone but myself, if that makes any sense that it is.

Another thing is that I’m sort of worried about what’s going to happen on the 26th this month, me and my mum, probably my step dad too, to discuss the medication I’m going to be taking, but that’s not what I’m worried about. The fact that the last time I started taking medication, mum got me admitted to the psych ward for a week, and I asked her about that, if she would do that if there were a minor suicide risk this time as well, and she said maybe, she didn’t know. But I’m worried I’ll end up there again. Sure if she wants me to, and the doctors agree to it, I’ll do it just so she’ll stop worrying, but I’m also worried that it’ll make things worse.

When my new therapist mentioned that I had been a reason to worry my old therapist for quite a while, cause she was afraid I’d kill myself, and that triggered me, because I don’t usually talk about that, it’s scary. Why? Because I know a part of me craves it, but it’s not strong enough to push me into having suicidal thoughts or plans or anything, but it’s still worrying.

Another part of me wants to have me admitted to the ward for a while, to get better, but I know what I’m dealing with isn’t serious enough for that, unless I turn suicidal, which I’m not.

I’m scared of the ward, and I’m scared of the suicidal thoughts or behavior or what to call it. So I guess I’m sort of stuck, just like I’ve been for quite a while.



12 thoughts on “Is it really?

  1. I know a lot of what your talking about. I’ve never let anybody around me in to see the real me, so I’ve not been caught, I think a lot of the time everything going on inside me is my fault (everthing bad around me too) or that nothing is wrong even though I know there is, sometimes are worst then others but a lot of the time I find myself thinking of suicide but in some odd way it calms me down to just think about it to where my numbed reality is bearible. This might sound strange but do you ever find yourself viewing your surroundings or people around seem unfamiliar?

      • Like in your house, sometimes I don’t reconize places and people I’ve been living in for years and people I’ve known all my life even my own child.

      • Yeah, I do. Its difficult I can’t help but stay numb but when reality hits it hits hard those are the moments I truly wonder where I’m at. How do deal with the day to day pain?

      • No, anytime I let any thing I feel out I get told my problems aren’t as important or don’t really exist and I need to stop being selfish. So I hide everything. Seems to be getting more difficult lately though…

      • then you haven’t gotten the right therapist, there are some bad ones, but mostly they’re great. I’d say talk to your doctor and get him to send you on to a therapist. Try and try again. i know its really difficult but it needs to be done. and trust me you are not selfish at all and your problems and issues are important and they do exist! Trust me.

      • Thank you, but I seem to have misguided you I’ve never to a therapist, I want to but I’m scared my mom would only be negative about it say I didn’t need to its her and m family that make me feel like that… thank you for your kind words though you very sweet πŸ™‚

      • I know the feeling, its scary but so worth it! Do you mind me asking you your age? and try talking to yer mum, or just make an appointment with your doctor. My mum’s pretty negative as well, so I know what you mean. and no need to thank me, i’m just being honest (: if you want you can have my email and we can talk there, so its more private if you want (:

      • I know it would better to get then just deal change is deathly scary though…but yeah I’m on Facebook more often then email but either is great! Which ever is better for you πŸ™‚

      • Yeah I know what you mean, changes turn my world upside down, but sometimes you just have to jump into it for your own good. And I don’t have Facebook so email would be better for me.

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