asdfghjkl… I’m so confused.


I was in a pretty bad place yesterday, and if I worried anyone, I apologize for that.

I actually considered taking my previous post down, simply because I felt/feel ashamed of how I was. But I can’t say that I didn’t mean what I wrote, because I do.

I just have those times where I get so stuck in a feeling that I cannot get out of it before it has reached its limit and started to slowly fade away. When I’m like that, nothing can reach out to me, no matter how much sense it may make, if my feelings tell me something else, no matter how twisted, I’m forced to believe that, because that is what feels right to me.

Ever since I started talking about it, my mum has told me that my self destructive side is not me, so I started to believe that I had one good part and one bad. In the beginning I had three, one positive and sensible, on negative and destructive, and then me. Crazy huh?

Yeah that mind set or what to call it has really messed things up for me. I get so easily confused because my feelings and thoughts just does not match at all, and for a while now, my thoughts and sense are controlled by my emotions. It’s like I don’t control any of it.

I trust my feelings more than anything, but I haven’t figured out if that’s a good thing yet.

At the time I’m so confused and torn about everything really.

 

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Ugh..


Talked to my therapist about the previous matter, and according to her that is just depressive thoughts, so I guess that’s alright then?

I don’t really know what to think, because apparently I can’t trust my own thoughts or myself for that matter, everything’s just so confusing. Right now I just want to curl up in my boyfriend’s arms and feel safe, I know I can’t because he’s so far away, but that doesn’t stop me from needing it tho.

I’ve probably mentioned this before, I don’t really remember, but oh well.  I envy the dead, those who have attempted suicide and succeeded. I want to be dead, to get away from everything. But I can’t, because I care too much for the others around me, I feel guilty, and even tho I want it so bad, I know better.

I’m just really torn on this matter, simply because I want what I can’t have, yet at least.

I don’t know why I want it so badly, but I do. I am selfish for wanting something that will probably hurt everyone around me, and yet I am frustrated about it, because I can’t have it because of them.

These feelings are mostly triggered of people talking of suicide, videos of people who are in the same situation as me that are giving out advice and hope, yet they killed themselves anyways.

I am so fed up with everything. I am not suicidal, I just simply want it all to end.

I want to harm myself again, get so bad, and suffer more than I do, so that I can have an excuse to leave everything behind me.

Yet, I cannot do that, simply because of others. Again they stop me without even knowing about the inferno inside my head or my death wish.

I am, and will always be a self destructive little girl.

Summer days


( Written on my iPhone)
I havent written in ages, so I figured that I’d write a little just to let you all know that I’m still alive and doing pretty okay (:

For almost three months ago I started using Zoloft for to treat my depression and anxiety, and as far as I can tell they are working pretty well for me.

Ages ago, as many of you know, I was put on fluxotine for about six months with NO effect what so ever, so I was pretty desperate you could say.

With this medication I actually had an positive effect the second or third day, which for me is pretty amazing.
And knowing me, I just brushed it off for the reason that I just had a good period of time, so I guess you could say that I was pretty sceptical, because of how my mum and step dad’s acting when there’s talk about medication of any sort.

So after I quit fluxotine, I went a long time with no medication at all, even though I was offered to start on my current one, but I was too insecure and had so much pressure from my mum and such, so I decided not to take up on the offer. But a while later my problems got worse, suicidal thoughts and a very unstable mood and such, I got the offer again, and after a lot of discussion I found out that trying out Zoloft was the best option for me, and I don’t regret it, well not much anyway.

You see, when I’m on Zoloft I feel like I don’t have any problems, mostly.

And surely that would be a good thing, right? Yeah, I wish, but the thing is that if I feel like I dont have any issues, what do I talk about with my therapist about then? I dont want to quit having weekly sessions with her, I dont feel close to ready enough for that at all.

So I somewhat want my issues back so I can work on them, and get rid of them instead of just using the medication and just going on with my life not solving them, and then when I quit using them, it will all come back? Then I’ll be back to where I started, wont I?

You could say that I am a little lost on that matter. Sure I get a break from most of my issues, but for what good? I wont get a chance to work on them if I dont feel like I have them anymore, even though I know better.

I probably should ask my therapist about this on wednesday.

Do any of you have any opinions or something to say on this matter? I’m all ears.

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