Talked to my therapist about the previous matter, and according to her that is just depressive thoughts, so I guess that’s alright then?
I don’t really know what to think, because apparently I can’t trust my own thoughts or myself for that matter, everything’s just so confusing. Right now I just want to curl up in my boyfriend’s arms and feel safe, I know I can’t because he’s so far away, but that doesn’t stop me from needing it tho.
I’ve probably mentioned this before, I don’t really remember, but oh well. I envy the dead, those who have attempted suicide and succeeded. I want to be dead, to get away from everything. But I can’t, because I care too much for the others around me, I feel guilty, and even tho I want it so bad, I know better.
I’m just really torn on this matter, simply because I want what I can’t have, yet at least.
I don’t know why I want it so badly, but I do. I am selfish for wanting something that will probably hurt everyone around me, and yet I am frustrated about it, because I can’t have it because of them.
These feelings are mostly triggered of people talking of suicide, videos of people who are in the same situation as me that are giving out advice and hope, yet they killed themselves anyways.
I am so fed up with everything. I am not suicidal, I just simply want it all to end.
I want to harm myself again, get so bad, and suffer more than I do, so that I can have an excuse to leave everything behind me.
Yet, I cannot do that, simply because of others. Again they stop me without even knowing about the inferno inside my head or my death wish.
I am, and will always be a self destructive little girl.