Hopeless.


These last days I’ve just been feeling sort of numb most of the time, with the occasional energy boost, and then being really tired. It’s exhausting to be completely honest.

I have this pain in between where my ribs meet, an emotional pain which has been present for as long as I can remember, and It’s like its draining me for energy.

I just feel like nothing I write now, no matter what it is, it just does not matter, its just not important or interesting enough.

I really hate feeling like this, like I’m alive, but that’s about it. I can’t really explain it well enough for you guys to understand. I simply cannot do anything today.

A few days ago I read though some of my old posts, and found myself wanting to be that bad again, cut myself up so bad and start it all over again. Why you ask? I guess it could be my self destructive side trying to do more damage, to make me feel more pain, wanting me to go back to where I was.

Gah I just feel hopeless, and what I’m writing isn’t very interesting, not that I think I could write more even if I tried..

 

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2 thoughts on “Hopeless.

  1. I just stumbled across your blog by accident and honestly it cuts me up to read it. I’m not pretending to know a single thing about what you go through so I don’t want to patronise but Ive been diagnosed a few things recently which has meant a huge learning curve for me this year about myself and my condition (two completely different things! Me, my mental health issues) until recently i thought they were both the same thing which led me to believe I’m rubbish, destructive, selfish, blah blah blah but now i know im not that person i thought i was im the person i want to be but i was behind the cloud of a mental health issue. now I’m learning what parts are me and what parts are not so im in a better place to fix things. just wanted to say that I think you massively undersell yourself and it seems to me you can’t tell what parts are u and what parts are your depression, you just recognise it a 3 different versions of you wish im sure it isnt true. Just from reading your blog I can tell you are really talented, your writing is really insightfull and you can write in an engaging way which makes me want to keep reading. But I think it seems a waste not to use your talent to engage people with positive blogs, novels. I guess your good because you write what you feel so don’t change that, but just be aware you feel like that because of depression not a personality trait and if you feel good your writing talent won’t go away but the mood of your writing will change. Hope this makes sense, ignore if not as I don’t want to patronise. Take care x Debbie

    • Thank you debbie (: this comment made me feel a little better (: if you dont mind me asking, what did you get diagnosed with? And i’d like to talk to you some more (: about my writing, to me it feels like its my depression controlling it, not me, it decides if i am able to write or not. It makes my mind go blank, so i do not know what to write, i am just left with frustration and hopelessness. xx

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