Tomorrow I’ll be nine months clean, but I have to say, It’s been pretty tough.
I am very often overwhelmed by urges to harm myself, usually at work for some reason. Even though I am surrounded by sharp knives and objects, so I guess that doesn’t really help, does it?
It’s been a long road, and it’s far from over, but I try my best to stay clean, simply because I do not want to hurt my boyfriend anymore, or put him through more shit that I already have.
Today has been one of those days, and something that happened yesterday was the trigger.
I was at work, cleaning something, when all of a sudden I felt something running down my arm, so I look down, hoping that it’s blood, but it was just water. Disappointed much? Yup.
Just that sensation of that drop of water running down my arm made me miss hurting myself a lot. Just feeling the blood running down my arm, watching it. For some bizarre reason I seem to like it.
So today I was so distant because I was fighting the urges, fighting thoughts about picking up a knife and just do it, everything will be so much clearer then, you’ll feel lighter. And whatnot.
And it was so hard not to do it.
Another thing that has been on my mind lately is the relationship that I have with my boyfriend. He is busy with work, and so am I, but he never has time for me anymore, all he does on his days off is to go out and drink with his friends, and when we do talk, he complains about being bored, or just can’t seem to be bothered to talk much with me and just goes to watch TV. It can even go weeks between any communication between neither of us. And when I text him, he just doesn’t seem to really want to talk to me at all, just short replies really, so I’ve just stopped.
Is it really too much to ask for him to come online once in a while to talk for a little bit? Or text me sometimes? Apparently so.
We have almost been together for two years, but I’m starting to doubt wither it’ll last much longer.