Temptation. Content may be triggering.


Tomorrow I’ll be nine months clean, but I have to say, It’s been pretty tough.

I am very often overwhelmed by urges to harm myself, usually at work for some reason. Even though I am surrounded by sharp knives and objects, so I guess that doesn’t really help, does it?

It’s been a long road, and it’s far from over, but I try my best to stay clean, simply because I do not want to hurt my boyfriend anymore, or put him through more shit that I already have.

Today has been one of those days, and something that happened yesterday was the trigger.

I was at work, cleaning something, when all of a sudden I felt something running down my arm, so I look down, hoping that it’s blood, but it was just water. Disappointed much? Yup.

Just that sensation of that drop of water running down my arm made me miss hurting myself a lot. Just feeling the blood running down my arm, watching it. For some bizarre reason I seem to like it.

So today I was so distant because I was fighting the urges, fighting thoughts about picking up a knife and just do it, everything will be so much clearer then, you’ll feel lighter. And whatnot.

And it was so hard not to do it.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is the relationship that I have with my boyfriend. He is busy with work, and so am I, but he never has time for me anymore, all he does on his days off is to go out and drink with his friends, and when we do talk, he complains about being bored, or just can’t seem to be bothered to talk much with me and just goes to watch TV.  It can even go weeks between any communication between neither of us. And when I text him, he just doesn’t seem to really want to talk to me at all, just short replies really, so I’ve just stopped.

Is it really too much to ask for him to come online once in a while to talk for a little bit? Or text me sometimes? Apparently so.

We have almost been together for two years, but I’m starting to doubt wither it’ll last much longer.

Guilt?


I woke up at four am today because I was feeling really sick, like I was going to throw up, and so cold that I was shaking, so I tried taking a shower after spending an hour or so going back and forth to the bathroom, before I woke up my mum to tell her that I didn’t think I should go to work today, the time was six fifteen am, and I had to be at work at seven am. She told me to just try and go to see how it is later on, so I did, but ended up going home around eight thirty, and on my way out I told my mum I was leaving because I could not take it anymore (we work at the same place but different departments), and since I work with fresh food and the constant smell of it, it just made everything worse. So I told her that I had to go back home, but she just shook her head at me.

It felt like she was disappointed in me for feeling sick, like I wasn’t trying hard enough for her, I was not good enough.

So on my way home ( walking distance) I ended up throwing up, so I called her and told her, but she still seemed disappointed in me for leaving work, even though I was sick.

Later on she told me that the woman who I was supposed to be working with was stuck with all the work and was supposed to leave at three pm, but when mum left at four, she was still not done. Giving me that disappointed look.

I was literally running back and forth to the toiled whilst I was at work before I left, yet she does not understand how I could’ve left work just because I was feeling like I was going to throw up at any moment.

I’m still angry with her, but at least I’m feeling better. I ate a small piece of bread and went to bed, and slept from nine am to around five pm, and no more sickness for now.

I guess I’ve always known that my mother’s judgmental, but this time she made me feel so weak and useless.

Mess.


That’s the one word that could most likely describe my mind right now, blurry and a mess.

It’s like I don’t know, nor remember anything, I feel like I’m just existing, nothing more.

I can’t really describe what I’m feeling. Confusion? Distant? I don’t really know.

My therapist is on holiday for six weeks, and mentioned nothing about me having the opportunity to talk to someone else whilst she’s away. Not a word.

And for me who cannot deal with massive changes, it’s a bad thing.

Going from seeing here once a week, to not seeing her in six weeks is a big deal for me.

My anxiety is more present now than what it used to be as well. My nephew was born on saturday, and since I was at work, I needed to go past the psychiatric ward on my way there, and that was truly horrible, I was so nervous and had some trouble breathing and controlling the panic that was building up the closer I got. It was so unpleasant, and made me realize just how scared I am to go there again, considering my last experience there.

I was there for one day because I had intense suicidal thoughts and was scared, they promised me loads of help and whatnot, but I got sent home the next day. I was so angry with them, and scared. What was I supposed to do, try to kill myself for them to take me seriously?

And recently the urges to harm myself has been more present as well, I do not want to do it, and waste my eight months clean, but at the same time I want to do it so bad. I’m just so torn about everything.

Is it bad to say that I really miss destroying myself? That I still crave it, and need to do it? Even after eight months it’s like this, and I don’t really know what to do. I want it. So bad.

I don’t really even know quite what to say either because of the blur inside my head, I just feel very distant.

Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow, because I am working the morning shift from seven am to three pm, so hopefully I  won’t feel as distant as I have for the last days/week(?) And as usual, I really cannot remember much.