Mess.


That’s the one word that could most likely describe my mind right now, blurry and a mess.

It’s like I don’t know, nor remember anything, I feel like I’m just existing, nothing more.

I can’t really describe what I’m feeling. Confusion? Distant? I don’t really know.

My therapist is on holiday for six weeks, and mentioned nothing about me having the opportunity to talk to someone else whilst she’s away. Not a word.

And for me who cannot deal with massive changes, it’s a bad thing.

Going from seeing here once a week, to not seeing her in six weeks is a big deal for me.

My anxiety is more present now than what it used to be as well. My nephew was born on saturday, and since I was at work, I needed to go past the psychiatric ward on my way there, and that was truly horrible, I was so nervous and had some trouble breathing and controlling the panic that was building up the closer I got. It was so unpleasant, and made me realize just how scared I am to go there again, considering my last experience there.

I was there for one day because I had intense suicidal thoughts and was scared, they promised me loads of help and whatnot, but I got sent home the next day. I was so angry with them, and scared. What was I supposed to do, try to kill myself for them to take me seriously?

And recently the urges to harm myself has been more present as well, I do not want to do it, and waste my eight months clean, but at the same time I want to do it so bad. I’m just so torn about everything.

Is it bad to say that I really miss destroying myself? That I still crave it, and need to do it? Even after eight months it’s like this, and I don’t really know what to do. I want it. So bad.

I don’t really even know quite what to say either because of the blur inside my head, I just feel very distant.

Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow, because I am working the morning shift from seven am to three pm, so hopefully I  won’t feel as distant as I have for the last days/week(?) And as usual, I really cannot remember much.

 

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