Guilt?


I woke up at four am today because I was feeling really sick, like I was going to throw up, and so cold that I was shaking, so I tried taking a shower after spending an hour or so going back and forth to the bathroom, before I woke up my mum to tell her that I didn’t think I should go to work today, the time was six fifteen am, and I had to be at work at seven am. She told me to just try and go to see how it is later on, so I did, but ended up going home around eight thirty, and on my way out I told my mum I was leaving because I could not take it anymore (we work at the same place but different departments), and since I work with fresh food and the constant smell of it, it just made everything worse. So I told her that I had to go back home, but she just shook her head at me.

It felt like she was disappointed in me for feeling sick, like I wasn’t trying hard enough for her, I was not good enough.

So on my way home ( walking distance) I ended up throwing up, so I called her and told her, but she still seemed disappointed in me for leaving work, even though I was sick.

Later on she told me that the woman who I was supposed to be working with was stuck with all the work and was supposed to leave at three pm, but when mum left at four, she was still not done. Giving me that disappointed look.

I was literally running back and forth to the toiled whilst I was at work before I left, yet she does not understand how I could’ve left work just because I was feeling like I was going to throw up at any moment.

I’m still angry with her, but at least I’m feeling better. I ate a small piece of bread and went to bed, and slept from nine am to around five pm, and no more sickness for now.

I guess I’ve always known that my mother’s judgmental, but this time she made me feel so weak and useless.

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