As most of you have read in my previous post, I’ve been dealing with quite a lot of anxiety, and fear of throwing up, mostly at the morning shifts at work.
I’ve now worked three morning shifts this week, monday, which was horrid and completely drained me, was incredibly anxious all day, feeling a little sick, but no throwing up. Thursday, which was yesterday, not so bad with anxiety about throwing up, but more about food. I have a thing stuck in my head that I can only eat three times a day, and that every time I put something edible in my mouth, that’s a meal.
But lately, it has not been much of an issue, until yesterday. So that’s what my anxiety has switched off to again.
And today, Friday, another morning shift, but not really much anxiety at all, just being really tired and feeling drained.
So I guess that’s a step forward, right?
I don’t really know, because you see, when a problem is starting to fade away, a part of me starts to want it back, no matter how painful and scary it was for me in the first place. I just don’t really understand that at all.
When it’s there, I want it gone, but when it’s gone, I have a crave to get it back.
It’s like a part of me, or what to call it, keeps trying to drag me back to how things used to be, with my self harm, suicidal tendencies and such. And its like, I want it (for some odd reason, but my feelings are telling me so), but I just can’t have it because of others in my life.
Is it strange to miss just how bad I used to be, and sort of want to go back?
When it comes to my own mind, thinking rationally about a matter only concerning myself, is impossible for me. Because, I “think” with my feelings, not with my head. I know it’s odd, but I think that’s the best way to describe it. When making a decision or discussing something, my emotions take over, and what they tell me, no matter how disturbed I know it is, I cannot help but to believe what they tell me. I sort of get stuck in my own emotions, where no sort of sense can reach me, no matter how true what the person is telling me is.
But I think it’s best to stop this post right here. I am babysitting my nephew (Trym – 1 month old) and niece (Andrea – 1 year old) right now, and it’s quite late, so I should hit the sheets before I fall asleep this instant.
Goodnight everyone! And hope you have a nice and relaxing weekend (: