Thoughts..?


As most of you have read in my previous post, I’ve been dealing with quite a lot of anxiety, and fear of throwing up, mostly at the morning shifts at work.

I’ve now worked three morning shifts this week, monday, which was horrid and completely drained me, was incredibly anxious all day, feeling a little sick, but no throwing up. Thursday, which was yesterday, not so bad with anxiety about throwing up, but more about food. I have a thing stuck in my head that I can only eat three times a day, and that every time I put something edible in my mouth, that’s a meal.

But lately, it has not been much of an issue, until yesterday. So that’s what my anxiety has switched off to again.

And today, Friday, another morning shift, but not really much anxiety at all, just being really tired and feeling drained.

So I guess that’s a step forward, right?

I don’t really know, because you see, when a problem is starting to fade away, a part of me starts to want it back, no matter how painful and scary it was for me in the first place. I just don’t really understand that at all.

When it’s there, I want it gone, but when it’s gone, I have a crave to get it back.

It’s like a part of me, or what to call it, keeps trying to drag me back to how things used to be, with my self harm, suicidal tendencies  and such. And its like, I want it (for some odd reason, but my feelings are telling me so), but I just can’t have it because of others in my life.

Is it strange to miss just how bad I used to be, and sort of want to go back?

When it comes to my own mind, thinking rationally about a matter only concerning myself, is impossible for me. Because, I “think” with my feelings, not with my head. I know it’s odd, but I think that’s the best way to describe it.  When making a decision or discussing something, my emotions take over, and what they tell me, no matter how disturbed I know it is, I cannot help but to believe what they tell me. I sort of get stuck in my own emotions, where no sort of sense can reach me, no matter how true what the person is telling me is.

But I think it’s best to stop this post right here. I am babysitting my nephew (Trym – 1 month old) and niece (Andrea – 1 year old) right now, and it’s quite late, so I should hit the sheets before I fall asleep this instant.

Goodnight everyone! And hope you have a nice and relaxing weekend (:

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One thought on “Thoughts..?

  1. I feel like a retard writing in english but it’s so much easier to explain what I mean this way 🙂

    I know we parted our ways like 2 years ago, and I often read your blog and I see you’re in the same position as me.
    The emetophobia (fear of vomiting),anxiety,depression and self harm.
    Trust me you are not alone.

    The worst kind of fear is emetophobia, I flee the house when someone is becoming ill or just saying they feel unwell. Sitting on the bus I avvoid touching things,and when somone vomits I cry. And this phobia allmost won over me, but I just said “enough”.
    Now I dont fear it that much, I forced myself being around sick people, watching people vomit, just listening to sounds of it, ofc there are periods where I just go nuts and run like hell, but I force myself each time! And thats the only way you can win over it 🙂
    I can drink quite alot of alcohol thanks to my phobia, still its not a good thing though.

    You have to stand up to your fears and problems even though its hard, I admit it its hard as hell.

    But I would not have come THIS far that I am today, 50 days free of self harm , I have not had deep depression for like 4 months.

    Life might seem hard but dont give up 🙂

    -Lollipus

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