Ugh.. Nothing’s really happened lately, and I am back to where I was, unable to really write anything decent, so I don’t.
A few weeks ago I got a comment from an old friend of mine, and it brought back so many feelings. She was my best friend, and I’ve never had a friendship with anyone else, like the one we had. We just had fun, joking around and laughing. So I guess I just miss having a friendship like that, and a proper friend too.
I am now working full time, but that was not the plan tho. My plan was to go back to a normal college again, make new friends and be more social. But it seems like the school system had a different opinion about that, because the only offer I got was the college I attended last year, filled with people with mental issues and such. I don’t have anything against them, but being around mentally ill people is not a great environment for me. I was just hoping for a fresh start, to maybe get out of my old habits, I don’t know, just not this.
I just feel more isolated now, since I work all day, almost every day. Even when I want to do something with others, I can’t, because of work. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job, I do, and the people I work with are great. I just wish I could’ve gone to college.
Anywho, my “fobia” of throwing up has really kept itself in the background lately, which is a good thing, but still I find myself wanting my suicidal thoughts and self injury back, simply because it is bad for me, and was something I was okay at.
I still find myself wanting to hurt myself just to see my skin tear open, and the blood flow out. I am fascinated by it, I like it. But when it comes to other people’s blood, it makes me feel sick.
October the 28th will be my first year harm free since this nightmare started about four or so years ago. And I can’t really say that I’m proud of it, because I’m not. I just don’t really care about it. Because I am not doing it for me, but for everyone else.
Off to work.
My little ray of sunshine ❤ Isn’t she just adorable?