Parents. What NOT to do.


As most of you out there know, my parents aka my mum and step dad, and me have had some issues when it comes to handle my illness. They kept saying that they wanted more information, someone who’d tell them what to do and what not to do. And that is fair enough.

But, when I tried reaching out, and told them what NOT to do, they bluntly refused to listen. Saying that what I was saying, didnt make any sense. This was more than a year ago, and it still angers me.

When I was harming myself, they would punish me by taking away the internet for a month or more(!), which really upset me because it took away the opportunity to talk to the one person who had helped me the most. Who helped me get through every day. Someone I desperately needed to talk to. And they knew this, but still did it.

I tried telling them, my therapist tried telling them that it was not the right way to deal with things by punishing me, because I already was punishing myself enough as it was, I did not need more stuff to bring me down.

Another thing which truly and utterly angered me was that when I was hospitalized, both of the times, my mother would call everyone in my family to tell them about it. I felt so ashamed. She never asked me if that was okay, she just went out and did it, without my consent. And when I confronted her about it, she just slammed “They have a right to know, and I have the right to tell them.” In my face. 

If I ever wanted that to come out, I would’ve liked to do it myself. And only tell the people whom I trusted. But that right was stripped from me.

The reason I’m writing about all of this is because I had a discussion with mum about some of this today, she didn’t know, and still doesn’t know that I was and am hurt by her words.

We were talking about a woman from work, simple small chat, and then we talked about her daughter, which is younger than me and struggles with the same issues as me, fair enough, but then my mum said that she’s been really struggling since she was about eight years old, and that her problems were the same as mine, times ten!

Way to go mum. Making me feel soooo much better. Smearing it into my face and making me feel like I’m not struggling enough, that I’m not ill enough or messed up enough.

She doesnt know that a part of me wants to get worse, and worse and worse. 

And she makes me feel like I’m not messed up enough. That I cant even do that right. Even though I’m not trying to get worse, that Im aware of anyways.

It’s a sick and twisted mind set i know.

Another part of me sees that she was maybe trying to make me see how strong I am, and how far I’ve gotten. But I just cannot accept that.

Its like, when my self harming was still going strong, I was happy with the damage I’d done, until I saw someone or a picture of someone with worse damage done than me. It made me feel like I wasnt even doing that well enough. Like a competition of some sort, but with myself.

My wounds had to be wide, and bleed a lot for me to be somewhat happy with the damage, and if they weren’t, I’d be upset and ashamed.

I seem to have gotten somewhat off the topic, but I hope you’ll forgive me.

Another thing I would like to say to all of you out there reading my blog, if you have a child, or have one in the future, that has problems with self injury, don’t punish them, ask them what not to do. They may not know what they want you to do, but I bet that most of them have a pretty good idea of what you shouldn’t do.

Get as much information as you can about what to do from health professionals, most of them might have a good idea about what to do, and tell worried parents.

I for one, did not have a health professional who gave the info that my parents needed. And see where that got me? Misunderstandings times ten!

Confusing post, but in a confused mood. Please bear with me.

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Sky high.


These last couple of days my anxiety has been, and still is sky high. And to be honest, I have no idea why.

It goes down a little every time I go upstairs to be by myself, but every damn time I go downstairs into the living room, where my family usually is, my anxiety rockets through the roof, making it almost unbearable to be down there. 

So for the last couple of days, I’ve been going downstairs and upstairs, and downstairs and upstairs. I just cant stay down there for too long. Its really difficult.

Am I getting worse, or is there an underlying problem that I just havent spotted yet? 

I sleep as much as I can, and during the day, when I’m not at work, I keep myself busy with watching anime. It helps to take my mind off of things, and calms me down to a certain degree.

I’m sick of things being like this.

I even tried to convince myself to go for a walk, but again, my anxiety is making me dread it, and draining me both physically and mentally. Whats wrong with me these days?

Another thing that has been bothering me for quite some time is that my better half, he doesnt know what to say that has not already been said. He’s sick of repeating himself, and has given up trying to help me completely. I know he cares, but the way he says things makes me feel like he doesnt. 

I understand it, but I cant say I like it. it makes me feel so alone, and like he’s given up on me.

When I try to tell him whats going on with me, he just gets annoyed and does not really know what to say. I just wish that he could show me that he hasnt given up on me.

We’ve been through this for years, and Ive made progress, slowly, but still progress. And I think that the reason he’s given up is because I wasnt making progress fast enough, or that he felt as if he wasnt making a big enough difference in my life. I wasnt making progress as much as he wanted me to.

ugh.. There it comes again, that wave that washes away every word that I was supposed to write. It empties my head, and leaves it completely blank, with me utterly confused and frustrated.

I just wish I knew how to deal with all of this. 

I just need someone to talk to, that’ll understand and maybe give me some direction. Someone who wont give up no matter how much of a struggle. Image

Missing someone you really should not miss..


I miss my dad, and it hurts, its confusing, its everything.

I really cannot afford missing him!

It only brings pain and disappointment if I give in to my feelings.

Me and my dad have never ever had what you call a “normal” father-daughter relationship. Not ever. There’s always been feelings of fear and disappointment from as far back as I can ever remember.

And I know that as long as he’s together with his girlfriend, or whatever it is, I cannot afford contacting him, no matter how much I’d like to do that.

Everyone tells me that since I’m now eighteen, I can do it on my terms. But what they dont understand is that its just not that simple. When I’ve been in contact with him before, ive always been a tad weary(if thats the right way to spell it.) But I always got my hopes up, yet they always, always came crashing down. I got disappointment and pain.

And I’ve realized that there’s no room for me in his life, and I’m sure he’s realized that as well.

His girlfriend cannot stand me, and those feelings are mutual from my side as well.

I even gave him a chance about a month ago. He randomly dropped by my granparents house whilst I was there, and naturally they asked me wither it was okay that they let him in, and I didnt really mind. And before he left, I asked wither he could come back after he had drove his girlfriend and her son back home, since they were apparently down with the flu. But she was not, that was all a lie! I saw her from the window, and when she spotted me, she rushed back into the car. Message received.   

Anyhow, I asked if he could come back after dropping them off, I reached out, but got rejection slammed in my face. He couldnt, jsut couldn’t, even though he had no other plans but to get home.

I have no need, nor do I want to clear the air between me and her. She’s just one of those few people you meet that you just dont like. I actually never have, but I tried to like her, in the past. But when you dont like someone, you just don’t. And I do not want to change it to be completely honest.

Everyone, including me, suspects that she’s the one in charge over there, making it so that me and my dad cannot have a relationship at all.

But who knows.

Wowsy.


I’ve downloaded a new app on my iphone for calorie counting and stuff, its called shapeup, and its really Great! Im supposed to eat 1181 calories a day, and wow, its hard! So much food!

So far i’ve managed to eat approximately 821, and I feel I’ve done nothing but fucking eat!

As most of you all know, I eat three times a day maximum, so squeezing that many calories into three meals is hard, because I get full so easily.
But I want to lose weight, and to get to my GW I need to lose 9 kilos. And according to that app, I will reach that goal in five weeks.

Honestly, with so much food, I’m pretty sure that if I continue like this, I’ll end up rolling around. I’ll gain weight rather than lose it.

Love losing weight, hate gaining it.

Anyone out there who has any diet tips for me? It would be greatly appreciated!
Some that actually work.

Take care everyone, hope you’ve had a decent week so far!

Downhill.


As I mentioned in my previous post, I quit my diet at 3 am this morning.
And things have no taken the turn for the worse, I cannot make myself eat, because I feel like I have no control of the calories anymore. I had one nutrilette bar after a while of talking myself into it, because I know how many calories there are in one of those.

I’m scared and very anxious. My anxiety is sky high and my emotional pain is back.
What am I supposed to do?

The diet I was on for three days just made matters worse. I was supposed to be on it for a month! It makes me wonder how much more of a wreck I would’ve been after it, compared to now.
I need help.

Being like this hurts too much.
The anxiety because of the feeling of no control, and depressed because of the pain. I feel like a failure. Hopeless, miserable. You name it.

I don’t have another session with my therapist for another five days. But I need one, now!

I just hope I can get this under control by myself. I can’t talk to my boyfriend about this, he’s been through enough shit with me for the past 4 years or so. And he said he doesn’t know what to say anymore. And my mum just doesn’t care, she just doesn’t take me seriously at all. Just blows it off as nothing.

I’m depsperate for something to help.

Last night I was so tempted to find my hidden blade and carve “failure” into my arm. Because that’s how I feel.

I have no control whatsoever.

Hope you guys have a better day than me. I’m off to work.

Messing with my already messed up mind.


On Tuesday I started a diet, I had three proteine shakes and two nutrilette bars a day. It was really hard and truly messed up my mind.
I’ve always been craving control, control, control. And lately it’s been about food.
I’m not able to stop when I’m full, I just keep on eating, and afterwards I feel like a failure.

Eating has always been an issue for me. When I was a baby I hid food in my cheeks, when I was older I ate really slowly, and for some years now, I have a thing, or my feelings telling me that less is better.
There was a time, two years ago I think, where I barely ate, and lost weight rapidly, but thankfully my therapist and my boyfriend helped me through it. So I was able to convince myself to have three meals a day, but of course, less meals was better. I could not what so ever have more than three meals. Everything that was edible was food, which was a meal. That was how messed up I used to be, and I’m still struggling with that mind set, but trying my best to work myself through it.

I quit my diet ten minutes ago, it’s 3 am and I was starving, and talking to my boyfriend on Skype. And he helped me realize that I’ve become too obsessed with weight and food.
I tricked myself into believing that I was only doing it because it would prove to myself that I have some self control, but the real reason was that I liked losing weight. I lost 1 kg in three days, and loved it.

But at the same time I was anxious, because my biggest fear is to develop an eating disorder.

I’m afraid of disappointing my mum, she is still on the diet together with step dad, and I’m afraid she’ll look at me as a failure, just like she did when I had to leave work because I felt like I was going to throw up. And that stung like hell. It still hurts just remembering how she looked at me.

My mind wants me better, but my feelings want me back into that pitch black hole of despair and misery and hurt that I used to live in.
It’s like two sides dragging me in opposite directions.

It used to be my mind who was the bad guy, and my feelings were something I could depend on, but now?
They have switched places, and I’m still stuck depending on my feelings.

So confusing.

I probably have a lot more to say, but right now it’s all just a big mess of words. So I’ll try to sleep on it.

Night night everyone x