Downhill.


As I mentioned in my previous post, I quit my diet at 3 am this morning.
And things have no taken the turn for the worse, I cannot make myself eat, because I feel like I have no control of the calories anymore. I had one nutrilette bar after a while of talking myself into it, because I know how many calories there are in one of those.

I’m scared and very anxious. My anxiety is sky high and my emotional pain is back.
What am I supposed to do?

The diet I was on for three days just made matters worse. I was supposed to be on it for a month! It makes me wonder how much more of a wreck I would’ve been after it, compared to now.
I need help.

Being like this hurts too much.
The anxiety because of the feeling of no control, and depressed because of the pain. I feel like a failure. Hopeless, miserable. You name it.

I don’t have another session with my therapist for another five days. But I need one, now!

I just hope I can get this under control by myself. I can’t talk to my boyfriend about this, he’s been through enough shit with me for the past 4 years or so. And he said he doesn’t know what to say anymore. And my mum just doesn’t care, she just doesn’t take me seriously at all. Just blows it off as nothing.

I’m depsperate for something to help.

Last night I was so tempted to find my hidden blade and carve “failure” into my arm. Because that’s how I feel.

I have no control whatsoever.

Hope you guys have a better day than me. I’m off to work.

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One thought on “Downhill.

  1. Sorry to read how tough a time you’re going through. That demon of yours is kicking your ass right now. I haven’t had an attack like tht since December. Any hotlines you can call and talk to someone. Maybe venting for a little while will ease the panic. Only thing that kicks me out of anxiety is a change in circumstances that gets my mind to shift gears and focus elsewhere. Happens by chance for me. I hope something good comes your way…..MBC

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