Messing with my already messed up mind.

On Tuesday I started a diet, I had three proteine shakes and two nutrilette bars a day. It was really hard and truly messed up my mind.
I’ve always been craving control, control, control. And lately it’s been about food.
I’m not able to stop when I’m full, I just keep on eating, and afterwards I feel like a failure.

Eating has always been an issue for me. When I was a baby I hid food in my cheeks, when I was older I ate really slowly, and for some years now, I have a thing, or my feelings telling me that less is better.
There was a time, two years ago I think, where I barely ate, and lost weight rapidly, but thankfully my therapist and my boyfriend helped me through it. So I was able to convince myself to have three meals a day, but of course, less meals was better. I could not what so ever have more than three meals. Everything that was edible was food, which was a meal. That was how messed up I used to be, and I’m still struggling with that mind set, but trying my best to work myself through it.

I quit my diet ten minutes ago, it’s 3 am and I was starving, and talking to my boyfriend on Skype. And he helped me realize that I’ve become too obsessed with weight and food.
I tricked myself into believing that I was only doing it because it would prove to myself that I have some self control, but the real reason was that I liked losing weight. I lost 1 kg in three days, and loved it.

But at the same time I was anxious, because my biggest fear is to develop an eating disorder.

I’m afraid of disappointing my mum, she is still on the diet together with step dad, and I’m afraid she’ll look at me as a failure, just like she did when I had to leave work because I felt like I was going to throw up. And that stung like hell. It still hurts just remembering how she looked at me.

My mind wants me better, but my feelings want me back into that pitch black hole of despair and misery and hurt that I used to live in.
It’s like two sides dragging me in opposite directions.

It used to be my mind who was the bad guy, and my feelings were something I could depend on, but now?
They have switched places, and I’m still stuck depending on my feelings.

So confusing.

I probably have a lot more to say, but right now it’s all just a big mess of words. So I’ll try to sleep on it.

Night night everyone x


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