Missing someone you really should not miss..

I miss my dad, and it hurts, its confusing, its everything.

I really cannot afford missing him!

It only brings pain and disappointment if I give in to my feelings.

Me and my dad have never ever had what you call a “normal” father-daughter relationship. Not ever. There’s always been feelings of fear and disappointment from as far back as I can ever remember.

And I know that as long as he’s together with his girlfriend, or whatever it is, I cannot afford contacting him, no matter how much I’d like to do that.

Everyone tells me that since I’m now eighteen, I can do it on my terms. But what they dont understand is that its just not that simple. When I’ve been in contact with him before, ive always been a tad weary(if thats the right way to spell it.) But I always got my hopes up, yet they always, always came crashing down. I got disappointment and pain.

And I’ve realized that there’s no room for me in his life, and I’m sure he’s realized that as well.

His girlfriend cannot stand me, and those feelings are mutual from my side as well.

I even gave him a chance about a month ago. He randomly dropped by my granparents house whilst I was there, and naturally they asked me wither it was okay that they let him in, and I didnt really mind. And before he left, I asked wither he could come back after he had drove his girlfriend and her son back home, since they were apparently down with the flu. But she was not, that was all a lie! I saw her from the window, and when she spotted me, she rushed back into the car. Message received.   

Anyhow, I asked if he could come back after dropping them off, I reached out, but got rejection slammed in my face. He couldnt, jsut couldn’t, even though he had no other plans but to get home.

I have no need, nor do I want to clear the air between me and her. She’s just one of those few people you meet that you just dont like. I actually never have, but I tried to like her, in the past. But when you dont like someone, you just don’t. And I do not want to change it to be completely honest.

Everyone, including me, suspects that she’s the one in charge over there, making it so that me and my dad cannot have a relationship at all.

But who knows.


3 thoughts on “Missing someone you really should not miss..

  1. Grr, so difficult. What a horrible situation to be in with your dad. I know that from my own experience with my mum, it’s very mixed feelings because on one hand, you don’t get on with them and have many problems, but on the other, they are your flesh and blood.

    And that girlfriend does not help things!!

    Wishing you the best. I hope things can somehow work out a big better for you and your dad. X

  2. the parent – child dynamic is tough. my father was an alcoholic and our relationship was complicated, volatile….. my mom told me something once – she said that he “is the one losing out on everything” (whatever everything is depends on what the two of you have, i suppose). i always kept these words in the back of my head – after my boys were born and he never saw them, how i tried to help him and he never would try to accept and till the end when he had to make the choice to either keep smoking and drinking with chemo/radiation and be miserable but live another year or quit treatment, keep smoking and drinking and be dead within 3 months. he chose the latter, died with 24 hours. i did not get to say good bye, or even that i loved him. it took sometime to accept him for what he was, i did still love him, but, he made his choice. he was the one who lost out on so much – not me. sorry for the rambling – i cannot say i know what you are going through – our situations are different, but i can certainly empathize. chin up.

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