As most of you out there know, my parents aka my mum and step dad, and me have had some issues when it comes to handle my illness. They kept saying that they wanted more information, someone who’d tell them what to do and what not to do. And that is fair enough.
But, when I tried reaching out, and told them what NOT to do, they bluntly refused to listen. Saying that what I was saying, didnt make any sense. This was more than a year ago, and it still angers me.
When I was harming myself, they would punish me by taking away the internet for a month or more(!), which really upset me because it took away the opportunity to talk to the one person who had helped me the most. Who helped me get through every day. Someone I desperately needed to talk to. And they knew this, but still did it.
I tried telling them, my therapist tried telling them that it was not the right way to deal with things by punishing me, because I already was punishing myself enough as it was, I did not need more stuff to bring me down.
Another thing which truly and utterly angered me was that when I was hospitalized, both of the times, my mother would call everyone in my family to tell them about it. I felt so ashamed. She never asked me if that was okay, she just went out and did it, without my consent. And when I confronted her about it, she just slammed “They have a right to know, and I have the right to tell them.” In my face.
If I ever wanted that to come out, I would’ve liked to do it myself. And only tell the people whom I trusted. But that right was stripped from me.
The reason I’m writing about all of this is because I had a discussion with mum about some of this today, she didn’t know, and still doesn’t know that I was and am hurt by her words.
We were talking about a woman from work, simple small chat, and then we talked about her daughter, which is younger than me and struggles with the same issues as me, fair enough, but then my mum said that she’s been really struggling since she was about eight years old, and that her problems were the same as mine, times ten!
Way to go mum. Making me feel soooo much better. Smearing it into my face and making me feel like I’m not struggling enough, that I’m not ill enough or messed up enough.
She doesnt know that a part of me wants to get worse, and worse and worse.
And she makes me feel like I’m not messed up enough. That I cant even do that right. Even though I’m not trying to get worse, that Im aware of anyways.
It’s a sick and twisted mind set i know.
Another part of me sees that she was maybe trying to make me see how strong I am, and how far I’ve gotten. But I just cannot accept that.
Its like, when my self harming was still going strong, I was happy with the damage I’d done, until I saw someone or a picture of someone with worse damage done than me. It made me feel like I wasnt even doing that well enough. Like a competition of some sort, but with myself.
My wounds had to be wide, and bleed a lot for me to be somewhat happy with the damage, and if they weren’t, I’d be upset and ashamed.
I seem to have gotten somewhat off the topic, but I hope you’ll forgive me.
Another thing I would like to say to all of you out there reading my blog, if you have a child, or have one in the future, that has problems with self injury, don’t punish them, ask them what not to do. They may not know what they want you to do, but I bet that most of them have a pretty good idea of what you shouldn’t do.
Get as much information as you can about what to do from health professionals, most of them might have a good idea about what to do, and tell worried parents.
I for one, did not have a health professional who gave the info that my parents needed. And see where that got me? Misunderstandings times ten!
Confusing post, but in a confused mood. Please bear with me.