I don’t even know.

Its been a very difficult couple of weeks. Filled with doubt, anxiety and sadness.

I dont even really know how to put my feelings into words at the moment either, but at the same time I feel the need to write. So I suppose you could say that I’m pretty stuck.

It feels like there’s a raging tornado of feelings inside me, and it triggers my need to harm myself, and my anxiety.

My head is a complete mess.

These are the thoughts going through my head right now;

– I cannot cook because it triggers my anxiety, I dread crossing the road if I see a car about 80 feet away from me.  

And loads more, but I have yet to make sense of them all. But the main thing I “feel” in my head is emotions. It sounds strange, but at the same time, its very true.

I’m just a confused mess at the moment. Nothing makes sense, and I’m tempted to seek relief in my blades just to make all this confusion and gibberish go away. I want my mind to be clear and stop running around the bush a hundred times before anything makes sense. I’m exhausted.

Another thing that triggers my anxiety is if I have two things to do at the same day. Doesnt matter if it is at different times, it still stresses me out beyond belief.  Like tomorrow I have a session with my therapist at 10 am, and work at 4 pm. And my mind wont stop worrying about it. Trying to talk me into skipping the session so I dont have to deal with everything. I just want to run away, to escape. Get away from everything, especially my thoughts, and just be happy. But I suppose that’s not happening any time soon, aye?

I sleep most of my days away. Sleep is my only escape at the moment, so I try to sleep as much as I possibly can. Dreading to get out of bed to face the world.

I have this sinking feeling inside, just wanting to give up or pick up my blades again. Anything to get away from this mess. I am completely and utterly fed up. Its so exhausting.