I don’t even know.

Its been a very difficult couple of weeks. Filled with doubt, anxiety and sadness.

I dont even really know how to put my feelings into words at the moment either, but at the same time I feel the need to write. So I suppose you could say that I’m pretty stuck.

It feels like there’s a raging tornado of feelings inside me, and it triggers my need to harm myself, and my anxiety.

My head is a complete mess.

These are the thoughts going through my head right now;

– I cannot cook because it triggers my anxiety, I dread crossing the road if I see a car about 80 feet away from me.  

And loads more, but I have yet to make sense of them all. But the main thing I “feel” in my head is emotions. It sounds strange, but at the same time, its very true.

I’m just a confused mess at the moment. Nothing makes sense, and I’m tempted to seek relief in my blades just to make all this confusion and gibberish go away. I want my mind to be clear and stop running around the bush a hundred times before anything makes sense. I’m exhausted.

Another thing that triggers my anxiety is if I have two things to do at the same day. Doesnt matter if it is at different times, it still stresses me out beyond belief.  Like tomorrow I have a session with my therapist at 10 am, and work at 4 pm. And my mind wont stop worrying about it. Trying to talk me into skipping the session so I dont have to deal with everything. I just want to run away, to escape. Get away from everything, especially my thoughts, and just be happy. But I suppose that’s not happening any time soon, aye?

I sleep most of my days away. Sleep is my only escape at the moment, so I try to sleep as much as I possibly can. Dreading to get out of bed to face the world.

I have this sinking feeling inside, just wanting to give up or pick up my blades again. Anything to get away from this mess. I am completely and utterly fed up. Its so exhausting.



3 thoughts on “I don’t even know.

  1. I believe in you and I think that with a little help, you can stop the self-harming. For me, after more than a decade after self-harming, things started to change inside of me. In fact we never got to talk about this in therapy but it kind of happened to me naturally. The last three times I self-harmed, I felt the pain whilst doing it. And it no longer gives me that v relaxed feeling or any relief.

    Maybe this has happened to others too.

    Good luck 😉

  2. Hey, I just found your blog and I feel for you. I too have suffered emotionally in my life and now I’m an adult and still battling. I wish so much that you will be able to get out of that house and not have to answer to those people. It’s so unhealthy, so unfair. I know how it hurts. I did not have the situation that you are describing but bad feelings can come from all sort of things. How can you feel better? You have to be really strong, girl, until you can get out. I pray for you that things will get better for you. Shut them out. Shut them out of your mind. Just try. They are so not worth it. Don’t let them mess with your inside. Build a fortress around your heart to protect yourself from them. Build yourself regardless of them. I don’t know what to say. Until you are able to get out protect yourself as much as you can even though it is super tough. Try try try to not let them in.

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