Moments of clarity?

One moment, I’m fine, telling myself that I can do this on my own, that I’m better off without him. Without all the uncertainty and doubt, wondering when he’ll next be online, or why he’s ignoring me, and taking so long before replying to anything, when I clearly reply ASAP.

And in the next I’m feeling sad and agitated again, mostly toward him. We haven’t spoken since some time last week, where he texted me telling me that he was sorry. Bullshit! That’s all I have to say about that. 

He said he wanted us to be friends rather than strangers again, and I agreed, because I want him to still be a part of my life. But he screwed it up, again. He’s all talk, and no action. 

I’m angry with him, there’s so many times where I have to stop myself from picking up my phone and sending him a text where I express all my anger toward him, but where would that get me? Nowhere.

I’m not used to being completely on my own, because there’s only so much that I feel comfortable sharing with my mum. But hopefully there’ll be a psychiatrist available for me soon. 

To be completely honest, I’m not sure what else I can write about at the moment, I’m a bit lost. 

Also, I want to apologise for my latest posts, I was in a really dark place. I do not want to die anymore(I think), I just really need help. But its hard getting the door slammed into your face repeatedly, especially when you’re openly asking for help.

But I just have to keep telling myself that I’ll be fine, and some day, maybe I will be?


I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I’m back to square one, majorly depressed, suicidal thoughts and my urges to harm myself are stronger than ever.
So much for thinking that my antidepressants were working.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’m sick of being sad and anxious and most of all, hurting. I can’t strand it.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this. My only options are, to kill myself, call the psychiatrists tomorrow, and hope they can help me, or hurt myself again.
It’s getting harder and harder to resist my blades.

I can’t do this on my own any longer.

What am I even supposed to do?

I have not heard a single word from my supposed coward of a “boyfriend” after he decided he needed a break from us. It’s been two weeks, and I’m feeling more and more alone. I have no one to talk to about it either, no one who would understand. I just feel so complete and utterly alone.

He was my rock, the one I could lean on, and now what do I have? That’s right, nothing, not a damn thing but a shattered heart.
I’m so confused. I met this great guy a few months back, in march I think. I instantly liked him, he was nice and friendly and oh so charming. And I think that I’m starting to fall for him, and it hurts.
We’ve spent time together a lot these last few weeks, and I’m pretty sure I may have already fallen for him a tad, and he feels the same about me.
But I’m scared to open up again to someone, he doesn’t even know about my scars, so I guess that if he ever sees them, he’ll be out the doors immediately.
I don’t know what to do, or how to feel about any if this.
It’s all so new, and it triggers my urges to hurt myself again.
I just do not know what to do, or who to talk to.
It’s all too soon for any of this love(?) stuff yet. I’m not even over my ex(?) yet.

God I think I’ll go mad if this keeps up. Someone put me out of my misery.

Heart Break.

It’s now been six days since my boyfriend(?) who had been ignoring me for a week before, called me up and said we needed to take a break from our relationship. I haven’t heard a word from him since.

It struck me hard, and I ended up crying whilst on the phone to him, and for hours after that.

The next few days were really difficult, until I went into a zombie like state, didnt feel much, until today. I’m sad and agitated at everything and everyone. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I need someone to talk to, but I just cant be bothered talking to anyone or making the effort to stay in touch with anyone either. 

I’m a zombiefied mess.

My mum tried giving me the usual heart break speech, but newsflash! It doesnt help. It didnt even make me feel like she cared either.

No matter how much I struggle, there’s always someone who needs my mums attention more, I just dont feel important enough.

I feel completely and utterly alone. I’ve lost the one person who said he’d always be there, the person I held onto for dear life, my purpose for keeping on trying to get better. And now? I dont have anything or anyone.

When we talked on the phone a week ago, he said if I needed to talk to him, he’d be there. A lie. Which makes me wonder, what if our whole relationship was a lie as well?

I dont know what to think anymore.