Moments of clarity?

One moment, I’m fine, telling myself that I can do this on my own, that I’m better off without him. Without all the uncertainty and doubt, wondering when he’ll next be online, or why he’s ignoring me, and taking so long before replying to anything, when I clearly reply ASAP.

And in the next I’m feeling sad and agitated again, mostly toward him. We haven’t spoken since some time last week, where he texted me telling me that he was sorry. Bullshit! That’s all I have to say about that. 

He said he wanted us to be friends rather than strangers again, and I agreed, because I want him to still be a part of my life. But he screwed it up, again. He’s all talk, and no action. 

I’m angry with him, there’s so many times where I have to stop myself from picking up my phone and sending him a text where I express all my anger toward him, but where would that get me? Nowhere.

I’m not used to being completely on my own, because there’s only so much that I feel comfortable sharing with my mum. But hopefully there’ll be a psychiatrist available for me soon. 

To be completely honest, I’m not sure what else I can write about at the moment, I’m a bit lost. 

Also, I want to apologise for my latest posts, I was in a really dark place. I do not want to die anymore(I think), I just really need help. But its hard getting the door slammed into your face repeatedly, especially when you’re openly asking for help.

But I just have to keep telling myself that I’ll be fine, and some day, maybe I will be?


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