Open up?


I’m sitting downstairs on the sofa feeling really disconnected and numb.
The worst part? I have no one to talk to about it.
No one I trust, or feel like I could open up to. I feel like a nuisance.

I Miss my blades.
I miss being able to open up to someone. Anyone (!)

I feel lost

Help..?

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Get out of my head!


I’ve been dreaming about him off and on, more often than not. And it just leaves me feeling empty.

People say that if you dream about someone you know, that person is missing you? But honestly, I don’t know what to believe.

I’m trying so hard to move on.

Those dreams mess with my head, they really do. They make me feel like if he wanted me back, I’d leap into his arms without a second thought. 

Sure that would’ve been nice, if he hadn’t treated me the way he did. 

I want him back, but I’m so not telling him that.

He’s ruined so much for me by leaving me the way he did. He’s completely shattered my ability to trust people, which usually came a lot easier. I cannot trust anyone anymore.

Two years and six months. That’s a long time. That’s how long we were together. He was my first.

It’s getting easier to live with, but it’s still very difficult.

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Onto a different matter. I’ve mentioned this other guy who liked me, and whom I sort of liked back. Well, turns out I’m falling for him without even knowing.

And for me its a bad thing. I don’t trust him nearly enough to be with him, and tell him what’s really going on.

I think I might try to scare him away, tell him what he’d be dealing with if it ever came to us being together.

Suicidality, not eating, not able to stop eating, isolation. and so much more.

But honestly, I dont think I can ever let him that close. What if he says he’ll never leave, and then gets sick of all my shit? 

I cant depend on anyone being there. I cannot let anyone in. They always leave because I’m too much to handle.