Ambivalence


It’s closing in. The time of year that I dread the most, yet the seasons I completely adore.

My birthday and Christmas. Autumn and winter.

I really cannot stand my birthday, it makes me feel even more lonely and miserable, and let’s not forget agitated and oh so irritable.
Christmas even more so.

As I believe I’ve talked about before, I do not have any contact with my father, nor do I wish to. But at the same time, I do.
I don’t like to admit that I miss him, but I can’t help but feel that way. I want us to have a more or less “normal” father and daughter relationship, but I know that it’s much too late for that.
Too much has happened between us, nor have we ever had a proper relationship. It’s always been based on fear and shouting. Yes, I was afraid of my own father. His way of getting respect was/is(?) fright.

But now? All the fright is gone, and now, anger has taken its place.

I hate Christmas and all the other holidays that are supposed to bring families together, because it just makes me feel lonely and out of place, like I’m on the outside looking in. It just makes me feel even more miserable.

I really do not like this time of year, yet there are parts of it I just cannot help but love.

Autumn; the leaves turning yellow, red, brown, all those beautiful colours being spread all over, making the world suddenly seem just a little more beautiful. It makes me smile just watching those oh so colourful leaves fall from the trees, transforming the world.

And then there’s winter, usually turning the whole world into something white and sparkly, leaving me in awe every single time. It lights up the world in its own unique way, making the darkness of night seem just a little bit brighter.
It removes those seemingly dangerous shadows, making everything silent and peaceful.

But I have to admit, I do in fact Love one thing about the time just before Christmas, the lights and decorations outside together with the snow, the Christmassy feeling and the little tug of joy you get from just watching it.

So this time of year makes me quite ambivalent, which is quite understandable, right?

Tomorrow will be my third session with my new therapist, I still get nervous about going there, but that I guess is just because it’s still so new. We are still in the ‘getting to know each other’ phase, and establishing trust and boundaries. But so far it’s going just fine. Just a little too much focus on my family at the moment in the sessions, but maybe that’s just part of it?

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