Permission?


That’s basically what’s going through my head right now, wanting permission to continue destroying myself. And the only one who could give me that permission, is the one who told me I couldn’t. So it’s quite, or very, unlikely that I’ll ever be granted that permission, ever.

Sure I could just ignore him, and do what I want, but I don’t want to hurt him any more. And I made a promise to him and the alters, one I would be stupid not to keep. I go, he goes. He goes, I go. That’s the pact we’ve made.

I made a deal with two of the alters, mainly “Puppet” and “Concave”.
And before I continue I might as well explain what the hell I’m on about, well;
He’s got nine alters, they take over, so the probability of him suffering from MPD or DID as the newest term for it is, is very likely. It basically means Multiple Personality Disorder. He’s got a split personality, split into ten to be exact.

Keep in mind that not all of them know which gender they are (Except Tim), so by me referring to them as “him” is only temporary, simply because the “Host” is male.

There’s
Ego, very self confident, on the side of those who wants to live. Rarely lets his guard down. Usually easy to talk to. Sarcastic but honest(?)
Life, worries a lot, control is important, very caring and at the same cautious. Really comfortable to be around. Calm.
Persephus,his purpose, according to him, is to protect me, from myself, and the outside world. He’s very caring, attentive, yet he’s very conflicted with himself. He’s trying his best to stay neutral, not allowing himself to smile even though he wants to, there are things he’d like to say, but because he feels that he’s basically failing his “work” if he’s being himself, he’s very back and forth. I’m trying my best to persuade him out of his shell. He loves children. When he stops acting, and lets his guard down, even just a little, he blows you away. (In a good way)
Tim, his female alter. Very hyper, most likely his ADHD. Loves to chat, bisexual, great sense of humour, loves knock knock jokes. Basically best friend material. Straight forward, yet very caring at the same time.
Máni, really relaxed, usually comes out at random, or when there’s a lot of anxious emotions around or inside the “Host” as they like to call him. Basically a stoner slash surfer personality.
Ender, Angry and depressed at the same time. Kind of like a love hate relationship. Seems confused a lot of the time. Wants to die, but at the same time he doesnt want the “host” to die too. Loves and hates everything.
Concave, Basically self hatred, changing his way of acting a lot, unpredictable, but at the same time very predictable if you pay close attention. Acts like a crazy person, but he’s actually quite sane, and intelligent. His smile for the time being sort of reminds me of the Cheshire cat.

alice.wonderland.cheshire-cat-smile.we're all mad here.(eternalthinker.blogspot.com)
Puppet, Depression and self injury. Not much present on the outside any more. Don’t know much about this specific alter yet.
Fox, I am the alpha in his eyes. He’s basically self defense. If he feels cornered, he’ll fight till the death. Quite scary at first, but now he’s as sweet as a puppy. Cautious, kind, loves cuddles, dependent, easily frightened. He suffers from OCD.

So now you know that.

The deal I made with “Puppet” and most of the other alters too, but he was the main one, was to not harm myself, and as long as I keep that promise, they wont hurt him. It’s a way to gain their trust. Difficult as hell, but if it keeps him safe and sound, what other options do I have? Do I really need any other options? I don’t know.
The one “Concave” made with me is a tad more confusing, but it basically is; don’t die, don’t abandon him, don’t harm yourself. Those are the ones I’m aware of anyways, but I’m sure there’ll be more in time. And if I stay clear of those things, he wont hurt or kill the “Host”.

I know it must sound really confusing to everyone else, but to me it makes perfect sense. It feels natural. It feels right.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now, but I just never got around to do so.

But yeah, permission from his side is impossible. “Concave” keeps trying to tell me that if I really want to do it, I can. He thinks that I’ll give in, which means that he can do what he wants to the “Host”. But he needs to learn that I’m not that stupid.

And when I make promises, I keep them.
If it doesn’t feel right to make that promise, you don’t. If it feels right, then make that promise.
It’s as simple as that.

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*Sigh* This post may contain triggering content.


Yet again it has been a while since I wrote here, so here I am, trying again.

As usual I don’t know what to write about. Well, I do, but there are not any words that could express it, yet.

I’m feeling so lost, anxious, hopeless, depressed, angry, and even jealous. It’s like a never ending roller coaster. Just a breakdown that’s bound to happen, again and again without fail.  Just like last night..

The day of yesterday was filled with anxiety and depression, perhaps a lot of loneliness too. But in between those moods, I think I was OK, or maybe stable would be a more suitable word for it? 

Everything just broke. Everything was dangerous, frightening, hopeless. Just complete and utter hopelessness. I just broke. Out of nowhere.

I wanted to tell him, but at the same time I couldn’t. I didn’t want to ruin his night, to be the bother that I know I am to everyone.

They’ll never admit it, but its what I feel is true. I’m a complete waste of space, in my opinion that is.  Even if were to tell me otherwise, I still would not believe them. My emotions are too strong, too earnest and sincere, too true.

When something feels true, it must be. Right?

But then there’s another thing conflicting with that; The feeling of something not being real, that everything is an act (From your own point of view e.g what you say and do), but you do not have any control over it whatsoever.

I’m having flashbacks, at least half of them I question, are they real memories, or just something my brain created just because it seemed appropriate? I’m jumping back and forth to the conclusion that everything is real, to why does everything feel fake?

As you might be able to tell, I’m a tad, or more like, incredibly confused. So much has happened these last months, and I don’t even know where to begin. And I’m pretty sure you can guess why.

Indeed, it’s because it doesn’t feel real. The emotion I get when thinking back on it (The parts I remember) is that I’m remembering something like a dream, something that has never happened, something that my own mind has created. Something fake

I have absolutely no clue about what to think, or even do about it. If there’s really anything I can do about it, that is.

I know it is real, that it did inf act happen, but yet it feels fake.

It’s like having one of those dreams that feel so real that you wake up really confused and disorientated, wondering for a few minutes, or maybe days, or months (like I do), if it was real or not. Was it a memory of something that has happened, or was it simply just a really realistic dream?

Do you understand my confusion, even just a little bit?

On a completely different matter, yet somehow related, there’s this feeling I have, which I really strongly dislike, hate even, but at the same time I’m dependent on it. Yup, the feeling that I hate, that makes me feel agitated, is being dependent. One of my strongest personality traits. 

My fear of abandonment, its constant, and extremely intense.

Say or do something wrong? THEY’RE LEAVING. They do or say something different, or in a different tone of voice, even when it comes to wording themselves? THEY’RE LEAVING.  And that ladies and gentlemen, is my head, every day.

I don’t want to depend on anyone, but I don’t know how to not either. 

Sure I’m pretty damn dependent, but when it comes to making decisions? I couldn’t even do that even if my own life was depending on it. I don’t trust my own judgement, because so far, my own head has just been trying to destroy me.

I’m longing for something to numb my emotions and empty my head. Relief. And I’m getting quite desperate.

I think I’m about to break again. Bawl my eyes out, and cry myself to sleep.

But this time, I won’t call him. He’s out enjoying himself, I don’t want to ruin that. I’m not going to be the one to bring him down.

He’ll be home on the 17th this month, I’ll just have to get through the days until that.

But I have to admit, I’m exhausted, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I just want it all to be over. My self hatred is over whelming, the same with every other emotion I have. I can’t deal with this much longer. I want out, in one way or the other;

If I cannot have one (suicide), then please let me have the other( Self injury).

.. Please ..

??