Permission?


That’s basically what’s going through my head right now, wanting permission to continue destroying myself. And the only one who could give me that permission, is the one who told me I couldn’t. So it’s quite, or very, unlikely that I’ll ever be granted that permission, ever.

Sure I could just ignore him, and do what I want, but I don’t want to hurt him any more. And I made a promise to him and the alters, one I would be stupid not to keep. I go, he goes. He goes, I go. That’s the pact we’ve made.

I made a deal with two of the alters, mainly “Puppet” and “Concave”.
And before I continue I might as well explain what the hell I’m on about, well;
He’s got nine alters, they take over, so the probability of him suffering from MPD or DID as the newest term for it is, is very likely. It basically means Multiple Personality Disorder. He’s got a split personality, split into ten to be exact.

Keep in mind that not all of them know which gender they are (Except Tim), so by me referring to them as “him” is only temporary, simply because the “Host” is male.

There’s
Ego, very self confident, on the side of those who wants to live. Rarely lets his guard down. Usually easy to talk to. Sarcastic but honest(?)
Life, worries a lot, control is important, very caring and at the same cautious. Really comfortable to be around. Calm.
Persephus,his purpose, according to him, is to protect me, from myself, and the outside world. He’s very caring, attentive, yet he’s very conflicted with himself. He’s trying his best to stay neutral, not allowing himself to smile even though he wants to, there are things he’d like to say, but because he feels that he’s basically failing his “work” if he’s being himself, he’s very back and forth. I’m trying my best to persuade him out of his shell. He loves children. When he stops acting, and lets his guard down, even just a little, he blows you away. (In a good way)
Tim, his female alter. Very hyper, most likely his ADHD. Loves to chat, bisexual, great sense of humour, loves knock knock jokes. Basically best friend material. Straight forward, yet very caring at the same time.
Máni, really relaxed, usually comes out at random, or when there’s a lot of anxious emotions around or inside the “Host” as they like to call him. Basically a stoner slash surfer personality.
Ender, Angry and depressed at the same time. Kind of like a love hate relationship. Seems confused a lot of the time. Wants to die, but at the same time he doesnt want the “host” to die too. Loves and hates everything.
Concave, Basically self hatred, changing his way of acting a lot, unpredictable, but at the same time very predictable if you pay close attention. Acts like a crazy person, but he’s actually quite sane, and intelligent. His smile for the time being sort of reminds me of the Cheshire cat.

alice.wonderland.cheshire-cat-smile.we're all mad here.(eternalthinker.blogspot.com)
Puppet, Depression and self injury. Not much present on the outside any more. Don’t know much about this specific alter yet.
Fox, I am the alpha in his eyes. He’s basically self defense. If he feels cornered, he’ll fight till the death. Quite scary at first, but now he’s as sweet as a puppy. Cautious, kind, loves cuddles, dependent, easily frightened. He suffers from OCD.

So now you know that.

The deal I made with “Puppet” and most of the other alters too, but he was the main one, was to not harm myself, and as long as I keep that promise, they wont hurt him. It’s a way to gain their trust. Difficult as hell, but if it keeps him safe and sound, what other options do I have? Do I really need any other options? I don’t know.
The one “Concave” made with me is a tad more confusing, but it basically is; don’t die, don’t abandon him, don’t harm yourself. Those are the ones I’m aware of anyways, but I’m sure there’ll be more in time. And if I stay clear of those things, he wont hurt or kill the “Host”.

I know it must sound really confusing to everyone else, but to me it makes perfect sense. It feels natural. It feels right.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now, but I just never got around to do so.

But yeah, permission from his side is impossible. “Concave” keeps trying to tell me that if I really want to do it, I can. He thinks that I’ll give in, which means that he can do what he wants to the “Host”. But he needs to learn that I’m not that stupid.

And when I make promises, I keep them.
If it doesn’t feel right to make that promise, you don’t. If it feels right, then make that promise.
It’s as simple as that.

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