Feeling really welcome.


Today’s been weird as fuck.

I guess I feel depressed, but at the same time I feel really really empty, like I’m hollow. But it doesn’t hurt, not that it feels nice either. I just feel nothing. I couldn’t give two shits about anything at all. everything just seems hopeless, worthless, empty.

I’m sleeping at home today with my better half, and my step dad made us feel soooo welcome there (Sarcasm intended), I almost started crying several times. Tried refusing to eat by giving my food to my boyfriend, but sadly my mum picked up on it and gave me some more. Needless to say that I have him half of it. I’d rather he gets to fill his stomach than me.

I want out, but at the same time I couldn’t give two shits about what happens to me.

E wants me to curl up with him, cry my eyes out, and then do it again. M wants me to ignore him, just keep writing, distance myself, hopefully start feeling really shit. I don’t even have my blades with me, not that it matters, I’ve got so many options, at least in this room.

But I can’t do anything, if I did, that would be breaking the promise. I don’t break promises. They’re meant to be kept. If you can’t keep them, they shouldn’t have been made in the first place.

I get teeny tiny hints of emotions, just flickers really. Desperation, depression, annoyance, hopelessness, things like that. And at the same time, I’ve never felt so alone. I want to cry, bawl my eyes out, but I can’t. I’m too empty to even cry.

I don’t like being at “home”, it feels so unwelcome, in fact I despise it. I don’t feel like I belong here, I don’t fit in. But then again, I never did.

I just want to come home to someone who’s happy to see me, that says that they miss me even if I were to be gone for just a few hours. Someone who’s genuinely happy to see me. Someone who makes me feel welcome and loved.

Too much is going on inside right now. I have no idea of how to deal with it. I want out. I want it gone. Everything is too much.

How can it be so, when at the same time I feel like a mess, but at the same time I feel nothing at all? I’ve never ever felt this empty, border-lining to serene. It feels strangely familiar, in a very scary way.

I feel really unwanted.

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What is going on exactly?


It’s been what, three days since I got the disturbing message from my psychiatrist.

And my mood’s has been going haywire ever since. I feel so strange, physically and mentally. I can’t even explain it to myself even if I wanted to. It’s closing in to desperation. I need a distraction that works. Something. Anything really. I am getting more and more desperate.

I’m either really weird, disconnected, nothing feels real, nothing feels familiar. Annoyed, angry, easily so I might add, or I’m crying just out of nowhere. Needless to say that I’m getting very fed up with everything.

I need help, I want help. I need something to get me out of this. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. Even the idea of meds seem a tiny bit appealing at the moment. Just to get out of this hell. To go back to being me. Everything just feels like it’s hazy, not there. Not really. Not real.

I feel really shaky, even M’s getting affected. She’s a lot more quiet, yet with an overwhelming presence/pressure inside my head. I really do not know what to do. What’s causing this?! I need answers. I need something. Anything.

I feel as if I were alone, all I’d do would be just sit there, doing absolutely nothing, sinking into the hazy nothingness of this nightmare.

Sure I have moments, or hours of clarity, but they’re too far between. They’re not enough.

I need distraction. My blades or a shower apparently. But right now I sadly do not have the energy to do either, nor the strength to even try. 

M keeps showing me the mental images, or emotions of me sobbing violently. She always does that just before a breakdown. But right now I do not think I even have the strength for something like that. Even breathing is draining. Not that I have much choice tho. It’s the body’s natural reflex to start breathing again after a while if you hold your breath.

The promise bothers me a lot. But I need to keep him safe. And just the thought of the fact that I cannot use my blades just makes me feel hopeless. I need relief. What usually works, does not anymore. It’s always like that with me. Something works for a while, then it stops, just as abruptly as it started. Poof, gone.

Why can’t some things just stay as they were. I don’t like changes, in fact, I hate them. Especially so when they’re happening to me, without me even being able to do anything about it.

I feel completely and utterly helpless. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? What is happening to me? The fuck is going on exactly?

All I have is a bunch of unanswered questions. No one can really answer them, no one but me. But where do I even begin to search? My head is a sticky mess, nothing makes sense, everything’s jumbled up, yet my head feels empty but at the same time heavy, the only thing’s filling it is M’s presence, perhaps the male one as well, and the strange feeling.

I never feel things in my head, or very seldom would be more precise.

Maybe what I’m feeling is dead?

I NEED A DISTRACTION. Asap. Before I break completely.

I just want to get out of this hell.  Can’t even think straight. All M’s on about is my blades and pills (OD).

Not exactly helpful (But it works..! – M).

I can’t just snap out of this, believe me I’ve tried. I need to get out of this, my boyfriend needs me, but in my current state I can’t even comfort him. Just the thought of speaking is draining.

If this is just a different kind of depression, then I’m fucked. Majorly so.

Someone. Anyone. Please help.

Mood: Desperate.

 

 

Psychosis?


Yesterday I was told that they’re pretty certain that I have a psychosis.  But then again, what exactly does that mean?

I’m out of the POP project (Prevention of psychosis), and being put into a project called TIPS, which is basically for treating psychosis in the early stages. Oh, and I’m yet again going to have a new therapist, which will be my number six in about what, seven years(?)

They keep bouncing me back and forth between therapists and projects. This time I’m being transferred to a new department where they’re supposedly more qualified with dealing with psychosis. Imagine having a department just for that.

So I’m a bit lost, or a lot. I don’t understand anything. What’s going on?!

Sure M is mostly in control, giving me quite strong urges to do the things she says, and sometimes making me almost doing them without even saying anything. I’ve had to stop my own arm quite a few times, almost punching my boyfriend in the face, throwing stuff at him. Things like that. Just out of nowhere. M wants to hurt him, but I cannot for the life of me even begin to understand why.

Why cannot at least one thing in my life make sense? I’m fed up feeling like this. What on earth is going on with me.. ?

Can someone please explain it to me, plain and simple, what the hell is a psychosis??

I’ve been told the basic stuff, but I cannot even begin to understand it, not even a little bit. It’s so frustrating.

It’s pouring down outside. Quite distracting I might add. Yet kind of soothing, just listening to the rain outside. Peaceful is the word that comes to mind. Oh what I’d give for just a glimpse of that emotion.

It’s getting heavier, stirring a feeling of uneasiness inside. Chaos. Dread is what comes to mind this time.

Is it my thoughts, or M’s? Is she even there, or have I imagined it all?

My emotions say otherwise. They say that its, she’s, definitely real. But then again, even they waver at times when this question pops up. Which is quite frequently I might add.

And then there’s E, or Emily, previously known as the positive one. I think that’s her name. That’s what pops up right after I’ve referred to her in my thoughts or out loud. Two female, one negative M, one positive, E. And then there’s the male one. Don’t know much about him. He’s chaotic, and rarely present, that’s pretty much all I know.

My mind is a haze, a puddle of confusion and uncertainty. Nothing makes sense, and it’s giving me a head ache.

I’m laying here with the feeling that I’m writing a story, but it’s not mine. It’s not made up, it is indeed very, very real.

But then again, it’s all in my head, right?

I want to know all I can about psychosis, and I’m trying, it’s just that none of it makes any sense whatsoever.

So please, if there’s anyone out there who knows anything, please tell me.

Mood: Desperate for answers.