Tuesday this week, the 1st of July, I got the message no family member ever wants to hear; One of my nephews had passed away, only three and a half weeks old, leaving his siblings, parents, his own twin brother, everyone behind.
It just isn’t fair. They were both born on the 5th of June, they were supposed to grow up together, support each other, laugh, live, grow.
It completely broke everyone, even me. I don’t even have the words to describe how I’m feeling. I’m just lost, it cannot be true. Things like this are not supposed to happen. Not to us, not to anyone. It’s just too fucking painful. Just leaves me feeling hollow inside.
Too many bad things just keep happening. First they tell me that I definitely have psychosis, then he passed away. It’s all just a little too much.
I don’t even know what to think of it. It’s all just sad, too sad for me to even comprehend.
I just want to wake up from this nightmare. Please. I just can’t handle it.
I was so excited before they arrived, and when they finally did, I was ecstatic. So happy to become an aunt again, and this time it was going to be two beautiful twin boys, Stian Emiil & Storm Alexander (R.I.P)
I just want them both to be here with me. It literally tears me up inside to know that I’ll never be able to see or hold my beautiful beautiful nephew ever again.
He’s gone. He’s not coming back. It’s not a nightmare. It’s as real as it can be, and you know what? It hurts! It hurts so much more than most of you will ever be able to understand. He was just a baby, three and a half week old. Would’ve been a month old today. Had he still been with us.
I just don’t understand, nothing makes sense. I want him back. I want my little angel back!
The funeral is on Wednesday next week, not looking forward to it at all. But I know that I have to be there, for my own sake. It hurts a heck of a lot now, but I’m not sure that I’ve fully realized what exactly has happened. Same with my sister.
One thing I am grateful for tho; is my always supporting other half. I wouldn’t have made it through these last four days without him. He’s there for me when no one else is; which is quite often I might add. He’s the only one I’ve got at the moment. And to put it frankly, I don’t care if he’s the only one, or if he’s always going to be the only one. He’ll always be good enough. Mine.
I’ve been wanting to write ever since I found out about my nephew, but I just couldn’t. I needed my mac, and patience.
To be honest, I didn’t think I’d be able to write even now. But it seems like now, as many times before, words never fail me. Even if it’s just meaningless blabber at first, it always turns into something ( even though I fail to see it like that at that exact moment).
I need to see my nephew again, I have to. I know that I can’t, but that doesn’t really stop the need. He didn’t get to grow up. He needs to come back to us. I, we need him to come back. We need him to put ourselves back together. We all shattered that day. The one thing we never really worried about, the one thing we didn’t think would ever happen to us; It happened. And needless to say, it turned my whole world upside down. All I want to do is cry and scream, curse at the world for being so cruel.
Cover my eyes, cover my ears, tell me these words are a lie.
It can’t be true, that I’m losing you. The sun cannot fall from the sky..
Please come back. We miss you so incredibly much.
Rest peacefully my little angel, Storm Alexander. ♥