I hear voices, so I must be crazy.. Right?

I hear voices, they control my behaviour and my emotions, it even goes as far as controlling what I can and cannot say. It’s like being a slave, a slave with suppressed free will.

Your own head has its own wants and needs, completely different from yours, but at times there’s agreement.

If you haven’t already noticed; Yes I’m talking about them. Melanie and Emily.

They’re the thorn in my side, someone who never shuts up, but at the same time rarely speaks. They don’t really need to.

When they’re angry, I’m angry, when they’re crying or upset, so am I.  They give me urges to do things, but it’s usually negative stuff. Over eat, don’t eat, throw your phone across the room into a wall, hurt that person. Stuff like that

“ALL ATTENTION IS GOOD ATTENTION” , Yep that’s their motto, it’s what they live for. And trust me, it’s not nice. My head’s a friggin attention whore.

But the question is, who am I in all of this? I for instance have no clue. Are they me? Am I imagining all of this? Who am I? Is it supposed to be like this?

As usual I have just sat down, not having a single clue about anything at all. I’m just writing. Isn’t that how it usually goes anyways?

Suddenly it’s dawning on me all over again, I don’t really know anything. Not really.

Worthlessness, despair, the oh so familiar wish that I could be good at something rises again. Just once, good at something on the first try, or the second or third, it doesn’t matter, just something. Just this once.

Everyone has something they’re good at right? I’m almost twenty years old, and still haven’t found a single thing.

I don’t know what to do with myself.


Reaching out. DID

It’s been a while. Things have happened, but nothing compared to what happened last.  This time I’m writing to get some help.

As most of you all know, my significant other has DID – Dissociative Identity Disorder. It still has not been diagnosed properly due to lack of therapists. But they were sure that that’s what he has.

My question today is if total state of paralysis and inability to speak has something to do with it? or just The dissociation part? He’s had three of those episodes now during seven months, each of the episodes lasting from thirty minutes up to a few hours. When he tries to move his muscles, or rather his entire body hurts, screaming in protest. I know there are triggers, and you can tell a few days before that it’s coming. Usually his alters are more quiet, make less sense, until he cannot hear them at all, that’s just before it hits. The episodes seem to be random.

I’ve been doing research, but I am still as clueless as to what it could be. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that someone out there knows what this is, and is willing to give me a few tips when it comes to dealing with it.  It’s scary for him, for both of us.  I just want to know what this is, and how to properly handle it.

I hope there will be someone out there with the knowledge I seek. More details can be added if needed.

I’m reaching out for help.