I hear voices, they control my behaviour and my emotions, it even goes as far as controlling what I can and cannot say. It’s like being a slave, a slave with suppressed free will.
Your own head has its own wants and needs, completely different from yours, but at times there’s agreement.
If you haven’t already noticed; Yes I’m talking about them. Melanie and Emily.
They’re the thorn in my side, someone who never shuts up, but at the same time rarely speaks. They don’t really need to.
When they’re angry, I’m angry, when they’re crying or upset, so am I. They give me urges to do things, but it’s usually negative stuff. Over eat, don’t eat, throw your phone across the room into a wall, hurt that person. Stuff like that
“ALL ATTENTION IS GOOD ATTENTION” , Yep that’s their motto, it’s what they live for. And trust me, it’s not nice. My head’s a friggin attention whore.
But the question is, who am I in all of this? I for instance have no clue. Are they me? Am I imagining all of this? Who am I? Is it supposed to be like this?
As usual I have just sat down, not having a single clue about anything at all. I’m just writing. Isn’t that how it usually goes anyways?
Suddenly it’s dawning on me all over again, I don’t really know anything. Not really.
Worthlessness, despair, the oh so familiar wish that I could be good at something rises again. Just once, good at something on the first try, or the second or third, it doesn’t matter, just something. Just this once.
Everyone has something they’re good at right? I’m almost twenty years old, and still haven’t found a single thing.
I don’t know what to do with myself.