Dilemma.


What do you do when you have something you want/need to talk about, but simply cannot?

It’s something I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about, just thinking about telling her, or someone makes my stomach into a ball of nerves. I can’t utter a single word.

I cannot write about it here, simply because this blog has not been 100% anonymous for quite some time. And another reason is the fact that I do not see the seriousness in it at all. But the only person I’ve told seems to have a different opinion on the matter.

I want to talk about it, to spill my guts, but I cant, I just can’t.

beep beep boop


That’s what my screen told me when I clicked the pen.

Beep beep boop.

Not sure how to feel about that all of a sudden. What was once familiar, now makes me uncertain, makes me question it.

Why is everything so unfamiliar all of a sudden? I forget what certain feelings feel like, is that really supposed to happen?

I’m unable to feel love. I don’t remember what missing someone feels like. Am I feeling it, or am I just fooling myself? I crave to be around him at times, crave to see his face, need him close. When he’s not there of course.

Is that missing someone? For I cannot remember. My memory tells me that it did not use to feel like that, that missing someone feels different from that. I’ve forgotten what it feels like. That’s what it seems like to me at least.

I cannot feel that I love him, I just know that I’m extremely comfortable around him, don’t want to be with anyone else, don’t want to be anywhere not near him. I crave having him close. I guess that makes me sound like I’m head over heels, right? I cannot feel anything though.

Every time I almost reach that feeling, my eyes tear up, and my stomach hurts a tad, I feel sad, disappointed.  Is there something blocking it? How can I fix this?

As long as I don’t question it, it feels true. But if I do, doubt comes creeping. I don’t like doubt. It’s always been quite tense between us. (He-he)

What am I supposed to do with all this?

I for instance is clueless.