I’m pregnant? Yay?


I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?

Help?

Dilemma.


What do you do when you have something you want/need to talk about, but simply cannot?

It’s something I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about, just thinking about telling her, or someone makes my stomach into a ball of nerves. I can’t utter a single word.

I cannot write about it here, simply because this blog has not been 100% anonymous for quite some time. And another reason is the fact that I do not see the seriousness in it at all. But the only person I’ve told seems to have a different opinion on the matter.

I want to talk about it, to spill my guts, but I cant, I just can’t.

Take me seriously .. !


Please, please, just this once.

I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.

It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted.  And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.

I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?

It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?

At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.

I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.

At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?

Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.

What am I supposed to do?

Did I do the right thing?

If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.

– Desperate –

Am I or aren’t I?


Fine I wanted help, but when I talked to some stranger therapist (mine’s on holiday), she got extremely worried and was nearly convinced I was having it worse that I was, and that I probably was gonna kill myself, even though I told her I wasn’t suicidal, GOD WHY CAN’T THEY EVER LISTEN?!

I’m scared, frustrated, sometimes panicking, I don’t want people to find out that fine I’m sick and tired of living, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve got a plan to where and when to do it, cause I don’t.  Sure I know a few ways of how I coulda done it, but thats’s not the same as having a concrete plan.

The therapist I talked to yesterday(same one), talked to me like I was mentally disabled or what to call it, like I didn’t understand a thing, as I was stupid(?)

Fine I said “I don’t know” and ” I don’t remember” a lot, but just because I don’t know or remember, and telling her I felt like I was being blocked out, she said she might have to evaluate me on Monday, only maybe tough.

I don’t like her.  I mean what person laughs or snorts, or even giggle a little when your trying to tell them whats on your mind?

I’m annoyed, worried, confused, you name it, I don’t know what to believe, am I or aren’t I?  I really can’t tell, and that really sucks cause I’m the only person who could know.

God I really don’t know what to do..

I want to stop, I just don’t know how.


Written 2Pm

Loads of thoughts strike me, I don’t know if they’re ”mine”,  or if it’s the voice in the back of my head speaking, I really don’t.

I’ve begun to wonder if they’ve started to blend together, turning into one.

Or is it just that I’ve become too tired to fight it, to resist.

I have all these questions that I just have to get out, and I know that you guys probably can’t answer them, but they need to be asked.

In my last post I wrote about my mum’s lack of interest in me, and things’ bothering me and it still does bother me. But I’m wondering  (This is just a random thought) if  I’m sort of punishing myself for not trying harder to get her interested, I don’t know.

I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’ll give it a try; Lately I’ve been giving in to the urges that drives me to harm myself, and it’s frustrating, it gets deeper than before, and I can’t do anything about it. Every time I harm myself I’m okay for a while, but then the voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that it should’ve been deeper, and maybe next time it will?

I’m scared to be honest, and I thought that would stop me from harming, but I was wrong.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself before it gets dangerous. It’s like I give in, like I don’t give a rats arse about what’s happening to me, or what I’m putting others through. Even though there are just two people in my life aware of what’s going on.

I want to stop, find another way of dealing with things, but to be completely honest, cutting was the first thing that worked, so I just kind of stuck with it. I’ve read about things you can do that really doesn’t harm yourself, just puts you in the pain that you’re after to find some relief. But I haven’t tried any of them, it’s like I’ve been telling myself for so long that they won’t work, so I can’t get myself to try either, I always come up with excuses to why I shouldn’t, to why I can’t.

The weird thing is, there aren’t many times I could find reasons not to harm myself, and now, there are only one that I can think of; it could be dangerous.   But that doesn’t stop me either.

I know that my parents need to know, and I wish that they did, but what are they supposed to do? They can’t stop me from doing it.

God I feel so guilty, selfish.

Right now I feel like I haven’t even tried, and the reply I get from myself is that; If you haven’t tried, why start now?

I honestly don’t know what to do, and it’s..  I can’t find a suitable word to describe it.

I’m scared, I wish I could just crawl under someplace and hide from it, but I can’t hide from myself, can I?

“Cut deeper, harder, what else are you supposed to do?”

Anything else but that..

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

For better or worse?


I’ve actually wanted to talk to someone about something that has been on my mind this last week, but to be honest I don’t know if I should, I mean,  I don’t want people to worry without reason.

Mentioning it here would mean that sooner or later my mum will find out from someone, but that also means that I might get help with it. But then again, I don’t want them to worry when it’s not wort worrying about, not serious enough to be mentioned anyways. But that’s my opinion.

You know when a drug addict uses one drug for a long time, and suddenly it looses the “effect”, and he or she has to find a stronger drug to get the same result? My problem is much similar to it, and it’s like I’ve taken one step further into the wrong direction.  Let me get this straight, I have NOT started using any sort of drugs. Just for the record.

I’ve been worrying about a lot of different stuff lately, things that really doesn’t need to be worried about. Which have caused a pretty rough week,  not managed to get anything done, or even got myself out of the house.

I wish I could stop worrying about everything, and just accept the fact that it’s there, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’ll leave it like this,  there’s nothing more to say about this, it’s all irrelevant.

Bekka – InsideOut

13 days ❤

xx