I’m pregnant? Yay?

I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?




What do you do when you have something you want/need to talk about, but simply cannot?

It’s something I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about, just thinking about telling her, or someone makes my stomach into a ball of nerves. I can’t utter a single word.

I cannot write about it here, simply because this blog has not been 100% anonymous for quite some time. And another reason is the fact that I do not see the seriousness in it at all. But the only person I’ve told seems to have a different opinion on the matter.

I want to talk about it, to spill my guts, but I cant, I just can’t.

Take me seriously .. !

Please, please, just this once.

I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.

It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted.  And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.

I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?

It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?

At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.

I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.

At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?

Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.

What am I supposed to do?

Did I do the right thing?

If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.

– Desperate –

So fucking fed up..!!!

First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!

I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!

What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.

I hate it so fucking much.  My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.

Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible.  They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care.  Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?

Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.

I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.

All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”

I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.

I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.

I just want this to be over. Please.


Trust may be easy or hard to gain, but yet so easily taken away.

Trust is something that I treasure more than I could ever put into words. So when someone says that they no longer trusts you, for no apparent reason, it hurts, right?

I keep losing the ones I want in my life, those I care about.

Maybe they don’t think I cherish them enough? Or maybe they just think I’m poisoning their lives. Which I understand completely.

My presence is poisonous, I break people without even trying. They just stick around for long enough, and then they realize that I cannot be fixed, therefore I cannot be trusted(?)

Mindless gibberish I know.
But when someone tells me out of nowhere that they do not trust me anymore, that they haven’t for a long time, and leaves before I get a chance to even ask why. That shit hurts

I don’t trust easily, and right now, not at all. Because everyone leaves, they always do. No matter how hard I try to hold onto them, they slip through my fingers.

I need no one, and no one needs me. That’s how it’s supposed to be. That is safe.

Not caring, not trusting. Safe.


Moments of clarity?

One moment, I’m fine, telling myself that I can do this on my own, that I’m better off without him. Without all the uncertainty and doubt, wondering when he’ll next be online, or why he’s ignoring me, and taking so long before replying to anything, when I clearly reply ASAP.

And in the next I’m feeling sad and agitated again, mostly toward him. We haven’t spoken since some time last week, where he texted me telling me that he was sorry. Bullshit! That’s all I have to say about that. 

He said he wanted us to be friends rather than strangers again, and I agreed, because I want him to still be a part of my life. But he screwed it up, again. He’s all talk, and no action. 

I’m angry with him, there’s so many times where I have to stop myself from picking up my phone and sending him a text where I express all my anger toward him, but where would that get me? Nowhere.

I’m not used to being completely on my own, because there’s only so much that I feel comfortable sharing with my mum. But hopefully there’ll be a psychiatrist available for me soon. 

To be completely honest, I’m not sure what else I can write about at the moment, I’m a bit lost. 

Also, I want to apologise for my latest posts, I was in a really dark place. I do not want to die anymore(I think), I just really need help. But its hard getting the door slammed into your face repeatedly, especially when you’re openly asking for help.

But I just have to keep telling myself that I’ll be fine, and some day, maybe I will be?

What am I even supposed to do?

I have not heard a single word from my supposed coward of a “boyfriend” after he decided he needed a break from us. It’s been two weeks, and I’m feeling more and more alone. I have no one to talk to about it either, no one who would understand. I just feel so complete and utterly alone.

He was my rock, the one I could lean on, and now what do I have? That’s right, nothing, not a damn thing but a shattered heart.
I’m so confused. I met this great guy a few months back, in march I think. I instantly liked him, he was nice and friendly and oh so charming. And I think that I’m starting to fall for him, and it hurts.
We’ve spent time together a lot these last few weeks, and I’m pretty sure I may have already fallen for him a tad, and he feels the same about me.
But I’m scared to open up again to someone, he doesn’t even know about my scars, so I guess that if he ever sees them, he’ll be out the doors immediately.
I don’t know what to do, or how to feel about any if this.
It’s all so new, and it triggers my urges to hurt myself again.
I just do not know what to do, or who to talk to.
It’s all too soon for any of this love(?) stuff yet. I’m not even over my ex(?) yet.

God I think I’ll go mad if this keeps up. Someone put me out of my misery.