I’m pregnant? Yay?

I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?



beep beep boop

That’s what my screen told me when I clicked the pen.

Beep beep boop.

Not sure how to feel about that all of a sudden. What was once familiar, now makes me uncertain, makes me question it.

Why is everything so unfamiliar all of a sudden? I forget what certain feelings feel like, is that really supposed to happen?

I’m unable to feel love. I don’t remember what missing someone feels like. Am I feeling it, or am I just fooling myself? I crave to be around him at times, crave to see his face, need him close. When he’s not there of course.

Is that missing someone? For I cannot remember. My memory tells me that it did not use to feel like that, that missing someone feels different from that. I’ve forgotten what it feels like. That’s what it seems like to me at least.

I cannot feel that I love him, I just know that I’m extremely comfortable around him, don’t want to be with anyone else, don’t want to be anywhere not near him. I crave having him close. I guess that makes me sound like I’m head over heels, right? I cannot feel anything though.

Every time I almost reach that feeling, my eyes tear up, and my stomach hurts a tad, I feel sad, disappointed.  Is there something blocking it? How can I fix this?

As long as I don’t question it, it feels true. But if I do, doubt comes creeping. I don’t like doubt. It’s always been quite tense between us. (He-he)

What am I supposed to do with all this?

I for instance is clueless.

So fucking fed up..!!!

First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!

I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!

What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.

I hate it so fucking much.  My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.

Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible.  They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care.  Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?

Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.

I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.

All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”

I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.

I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.

I just want this to be over. Please.

Just feeling down.

Im in England, been there since thursday last week, and its been confusing and good at the same time. I’ve been insecure and scared, yet still felt loved and safe.
My main reason to come here was to sort my relationship out, should i stay or should i go? I’ve come to a decision to stay, it would hurt so much more to leave him, than to stay.

The only time i have the courage to speak about what’s troubling me about our relationship is when I’ve had a bit to drink (I’m a light weight when it comes to alcohol), and a few days ago, I did just that, and it helped, but I didn’t say everything, so yesterday I worked up my courage, along with a tad to drink, and told him what was bothering me, which was,( read: is) bothering me, how he never told me he loved me anymore, I was(am) the one who always says it first, and the same issue when it comes to me saying that I Miss him. And he just said ‘I Love you’ just like that, like it was nothing, like he didn’t even mean it. So I’m left even more insecure, and I still do not want to leave his side, I’m too In Love with him, too dependent.
I need reassurance once in a while (read: every day) that he still loves and misses me, just as much as I do when it comes to him. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, it’s completely impossible.
I don’t want to leave England, and him. I want to live here with him.
And my insecurities tell me that I’m scared, how can I be able to do that? I’ll fail, it’ll never work.
But I want it to, but do not know how.
Confused, desperate, reluctant to leave? Oh yes.

Temptation. Content may be triggering.

Tomorrow I’ll be nine months clean, but I have to say, It’s been pretty tough.

I am very often overwhelmed by urges to harm myself, usually at work for some reason. Even though I am surrounded by sharp knives and objects, so I guess that doesn’t really help, does it?

It’s been a long road, and it’s far from over, but I try my best to stay clean, simply because I do not want to hurt my boyfriend anymore, or put him through more shit that I already have.

Today has been one of those days, and something that happened yesterday was the trigger.

I was at work, cleaning something, when all of a sudden I felt something running down my arm, so I look down, hoping that it’s blood, but it was just water. Disappointed much? Yup.

Just that sensation of that drop of water running down my arm made me miss hurting myself a lot. Just feeling the blood running down my arm, watching it. For some bizarre reason I seem to like it.

So today I was so distant because I was fighting the urges, fighting thoughts about picking up a knife and just do it, everything will be so much clearer then, you’ll feel lighter. And whatnot.

And it was so hard not to do it.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is the relationship that I have with my boyfriend. He is busy with work, and so am I, but he never has time for me anymore, all he does on his days off is to go out and drink with his friends, and when we do talk, he complains about being bored, or just can’t seem to be bothered to talk much with me and just goes to watch TV.  It can even go weeks between any communication between neither of us. And when I text him, he just doesn’t seem to really want to talk to me at all, just short replies really, so I’ve just stopped.

Is it really too much to ask for him to come online once in a while to talk for a little bit? Or text me sometimes? Apparently so.

We have almost been together for two years, but I’m starting to doubt wither it’ll last much longer.

So terribly insecure.

And I hate it.

Just the same with changes, I hate them. Make one small change, and you’ll turn my world upside down, leaving me clueless and confused.

I read way too much into things, read between the lines, look for secret meanings, even double meanings, because that’s what I’ve grown up with. I don’t really notice doing it before it’s done and the thoughts are formed, then there’s no way back.

What stupid thing got to me this time you ask? Well, a minor thing, could mean everything, but it could also mean nothing at all. I don’t think he’s aware of it, or maybe he is?   argh see? This is how my head works, completely and utterly messed up.

Just because he’s started to say the words ‘much love’  instead of ‘I love you’.   Stupid I know.

But I’m scared he’s meaning something by it, that he doesn’t love me as much as he used to, or that he doesn’t love me at all. I get all these thoughts because I’m so terrified to lose him, like you have no idea how afraid I am of exactly that.

It could still mean I love you, but at the same time it couldn’t. It kind of depends on what he puts behind it.

I put so much though behind every word I write, to make it right, for me and for others. To not hurt or insult them, or make them feel like I dont care, because I do, and sometimes, too much.

i haven’t written in a while, which you might have noticed ( If anyone reads this that is), and I don’t really have a reason, I just haven’t done it.

Right now I’m sitting here thinking about what I wanted to do a few days ago or so, this weekend i think?

I wanted to get out of therapy, quit my meds and everything, just wanting to feel “normal” again.  But I really don’t know if I want to anymore, I really don’t.


I’m so confused and torn right now.

Long time no see?

I just realized that it has been almost two weeks or so since I last wrote a post, and I don’t know, it feels weird.

I’ve been in England these last four days visiting my boyfriend, and I really haven’t been this happy in ages, probably not since November last year.

I don’t really have anything else to say, so I’ll just wrap it up and end it with a sort of poem I wrote on the plane home yesterday evening/night.

(Just for the record; I’m still clean, no harming, I’ve kept the promise to myself, and I hope I can keep it this way.)

Drown your sorrows:

Hurry home, where they are waiting

Those razorblades, now stop resisting

You know you want this,

No doubt in mind

Now drown your sorrows,

Don’t let them behind.


Images like flashing lights

Blinding you, your mind and sight

Sadness is your biggest fright

So drown your sorrows

With me tonight.


What can you do when neither words or actions are enough to prove to someone that you love them, it’s only him or her you want, but they just can’t seem to understand why, what do you do? Keep on telling and showing them? Give up? I don’t know.

I know how hard it is to accept something you don’t understand, you keep wondering why, when you really should just accept it and enjoy every second of it, if it’s a positive thing that is.

I hate what doubt does to you, how it makes you feel, and questions every possible thing in your life, good or/and bad, it never seems satisfied. It’s what makes you unable to accept things the way they are.

When you’ve given all you have and it still isn’t enough, what do you do?

Will the mind ever be satisfied?

One last thing that’s incredibly important when it comes to love; don’t ever try to understand it, just accept it. It makes everything so much easier.

Bekka –InsideOut