I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.
This changes everything.
I want to do this, but I don’t. It’s worth it, but it’s not.
How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.
I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do. Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy. He’s going to be a dad.
It’s no longer about us, but about the baby. If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.
But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.
I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.
Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?
What do you do when you have something you want/need to talk about, but simply cannot?
It’s something I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about, just thinking about telling her, or someone makes my stomach into a ball of nerves. I can’t utter a single word.
I cannot write about it here, simply because this blog has not been 100% anonymous for quite some time. And another reason is the fact that I do not see the seriousness in it at all. But the only person I’ve told seems to have a different opinion on the matter.
I want to talk about it, to spill my guts, but I cant, I just can’t.
That’s what my screen told me when I clicked the pen.
Beep beep boop.
Not sure how to feel about that all of a sudden. What was once familiar, now makes me uncertain, makes me question it.
Why is everything so unfamiliar all of a sudden? I forget what certain feelings feel like, is that really supposed to happen?
I’m unable to feel love. I don’t remember what missing someone feels like. Am I feeling it, or am I just fooling myself? I crave to be around him at times, crave to see his face, need him close. When he’s not there of course.
Is that missing someone? For I cannot remember. My memory tells me that it did not use to feel like that, that missing someone feels different from that. I’ve forgotten what it feels like. That’s what it seems like to me at least.
I cannot feel that I love him, I just know that I’m extremely comfortable around him, don’t want to be with anyone else, don’t want to be anywhere not near him. I crave having him close. I guess that makes me sound like I’m head over heels, right? I cannot feel anything though.
Every time I almost reach that feeling, my eyes tear up, and my stomach hurts a tad, I feel sad, disappointed. Is there something blocking it? How can I fix this?
As long as I don’t question it, it feels true. But if I do, doubt comes creeping. I don’t like doubt. It’s always been quite tense between us. (He-he)
What am I supposed to do with all this?
I for instance is clueless.
Please, please, just this once.
I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.
It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted. And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.
Back and fourth, back and fourth.
My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.
I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?
It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?
At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.
I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.
At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?
Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.
What am I supposed to do?
Did I do the right thing?
If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.
– Desperate –
First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!
I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!
What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.
I hate it so fucking much. My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.
Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible. They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care. Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.
I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?
Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.
I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.
All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”
I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.
I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.
I just want this to be over. Please.
Loads of thoughts strike me, I don’t know if they’re ”mine”, or if it’s the voice in the back of my head speaking, I really don’t.
I’ve begun to wonder if they’ve started to blend together, turning into one.
Or is it just that I’ve become too tired to fight it, to resist.
I have all these questions that I just have to get out, and I know that you guys probably can’t answer them, but they need to be asked.
In my last post I wrote about my mum’s lack of interest in me, and things’ bothering me and it still does bother me. But I’m wondering (This is just a random thought) if I’m sort of punishing myself for not trying harder to get her interested, I don’t know.
I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’ll give it a try; Lately I’ve been giving in to the urges that drives me to harm myself, and it’s frustrating, it gets deeper than before, and I can’t do anything about it. Every time I harm myself I’m okay for a while, but then the voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that it should’ve been deeper, and maybe next time it will?
I’m scared to be honest, and I thought that would stop me from harming, but I was wrong. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself before it gets dangerous. It’s like I give in, like I don’t give a rats arse about what’s happening to me, or what I’m putting others through. Even though there are just two people in my life aware of what’s going on.
I want to stop, find another way of dealing with things, but to be completely honest, cutting was the first thing that worked, so I just kind of stuck with it. I’ve read about things you can do that really doesn’t harm yourself, just puts you in the pain that you’re after to find some relief. But I haven’t tried any of them, it’s like I’ve been telling myself for so long that they won’t work, so I can’t get myself to try either, I always come up with excuses to why I shouldn’t, to why I can’t.
The weird thing is, there aren’t many times I could find reasons not to harm myself, and now, there are only one that I can think of; it could be dangerous. But that doesn’t stop me either.
I know that my parents need to know, and I wish that they did, but what are they supposed to do? They can’t stop me from doing it.
God I feel so guilty, selfish.
Right now I feel like I haven’t even tried, and the reply I get from myself is that; If you haven’t tried, why start now?
I honestly don’t know what to do, and it’s.. I can’t find a suitable word to describe it.
I’m scared, I wish I could just crawl under someplace and hide from it, but I can’t hide from myself, can I?
“Cut deeper, harder, what else are you supposed to do?”
Anything else but that..
Bekka – InsideOut