Yesterday I was told that they’re pretty certain that I have a psychosis. But then again, what exactly does that mean?
I’m out of the POP project (Prevention of psychosis), and being put into a project called TIPS, which is basically for treating psychosis in the early stages. Oh, and I’m yet again going to have a new therapist, which will be my number six in about what, seven years(?)
They keep bouncing me back and forth between therapists and projects. This time I’m being transferred to a new department where they’re supposedly more qualified with dealing with psychosis. Imagine having a department just for that.
So I’m a bit lost, or a lot. I don’t understand anything. What’s going on?!
Sure M is mostly in control, giving me quite strong urges to do the things she says, and sometimes making me almost doing them without even saying anything. I’ve had to stop my own arm quite a few times, almost punching my boyfriend in the face, throwing stuff at him. Things like that. Just out of nowhere. M wants to hurt him, but I cannot for the life of me even begin to understand why.
Why cannot at least one thing in my life make sense? I’m fed up feeling like this. What on earth is going on with me.. ?
Can someone please explain it to me, plain and simple, what the hell is a psychosis??
I’ve been told the basic stuff, but I cannot even begin to understand it, not even a little bit. It’s so frustrating.
It’s pouring down outside. Quite distracting I might add. Yet kind of soothing, just listening to the rain outside. Peaceful is the word that comes to mind. Oh what I’d give for just a glimpse of that emotion.
It’s getting heavier, stirring a feeling of uneasiness inside. Chaos. Dread is what comes to mind this time.
Is it my thoughts, or M’s? Is she even there, or have I imagined it all?
My emotions say otherwise. They say that its, she’s, definitely real. But then again, even they waver at times when this question pops up. Which is quite frequently I might add.
And then there’s E, or Emily, previously known as the positive one. I think that’s her name. That’s what pops up right after I’ve referred to her in my thoughts or out loud. Two female, one negative M, one positive, E. And then there’s the male one. Don’t know much about him. He’s chaotic, and rarely present, that’s pretty much all I know.
My mind is a haze, a puddle of confusion and uncertainty. Nothing makes sense, and it’s giving me a head ache.
I’m laying here with the feeling that I’m writing a story, but it’s not mine. It’s not made up, it is indeed very, very real.
But then again, it’s all in my head, right?
I want to know all I can about psychosis, and I’m trying, it’s just that none of it makes any sense whatsoever.
So please, if there’s anyone out there who knows anything, please tell me.
Mood: Desperate for answers.