I’m pregnant? Yay?

I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?




What do you do when you have something you want/need to talk about, but simply cannot?

It’s something I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about, just thinking about telling her, or someone makes my stomach into a ball of nerves. I can’t utter a single word.

I cannot write about it here, simply because this blog has not been 100% anonymous for quite some time. And another reason is the fact that I do not see the seriousness in it at all. But the only person I’ve told seems to have a different opinion on the matter.

I want to talk about it, to spill my guts, but I cant, I just can’t.


Yesterday I was told that they’re pretty certain that I have a psychosis.  But then again, what exactly does that mean?

I’m out of the POP project (Prevention of psychosis), and being put into a project called TIPS, which is basically for treating psychosis in the early stages. Oh, and I’m yet again going to have a new therapist, which will be my number six in about what, seven years(?)

They keep bouncing me back and forth between therapists and projects. This time I’m being transferred to a new department where they’re supposedly more qualified with dealing with psychosis. Imagine having a department just for that.

So I’m a bit lost, or a lot. I don’t understand anything. What’s going on?!

Sure M is mostly in control, giving me quite strong urges to do the things she says, and sometimes making me almost doing them without even saying anything. I’ve had to stop my own arm quite a few times, almost punching my boyfriend in the face, throwing stuff at him. Things like that. Just out of nowhere. M wants to hurt him, but I cannot for the life of me even begin to understand why.

Why cannot at least one thing in my life make sense? I’m fed up feeling like this. What on earth is going on with me.. ?

Can someone please explain it to me, plain and simple, what the hell is a psychosis??

I’ve been told the basic stuff, but I cannot even begin to understand it, not even a little bit. It’s so frustrating.

It’s pouring down outside. Quite distracting I might add. Yet kind of soothing, just listening to the rain outside. Peaceful is the word that comes to mind. Oh what I’d give for just a glimpse of that emotion.

It’s getting heavier, stirring a feeling of uneasiness inside. Chaos. Dread is what comes to mind this time.

Is it my thoughts, or M’s? Is she even there, or have I imagined it all?

My emotions say otherwise. They say that its, she’s, definitely real. But then again, even they waver at times when this question pops up. Which is quite frequently I might add.

And then there’s E, or Emily, previously known as the positive one. I think that’s her name. That’s what pops up right after I’ve referred to her in my thoughts or out loud. Two female, one negative M, one positive, E. And then there’s the male one. Don’t know much about him. He’s chaotic, and rarely present, that’s pretty much all I know.

My mind is a haze, a puddle of confusion and uncertainty. Nothing makes sense, and it’s giving me a head ache.

I’m laying here with the feeling that I’m writing a story, but it’s not mine. It’s not made up, it is indeed very, very real.

But then again, it’s all in my head, right?

I want to know all I can about psychosis, and I’m trying, it’s just that none of it makes any sense whatsoever.

So please, if there’s anyone out there who knows anything, please tell me.

Mood: Desperate for answers.


Please give me a moment of silence..

M just wont shut up, she’s been going bonkers all effing day. Commenting on this and that, telling me to do random things. Demanding is one word for it.

M, short for Melanie is the name one of the voices inside my head has taken a liking to, so that’s what she goes by. She’s the strongest one. After her is positive, and a male one. Those are quiet and not present 99% of the time.

But back to what I was on about.
It’s strange saying M’s name, or even calling the voice she, but that’s the way she wants it. And I’m slowly giving in to it, after two months of either denying her existence, or calling her “it” or “my head”.
I still have trouble accepting the fact that she’s there, and that she’s not me.

Sure she’s got my voice, just angrier and more annoying. But I can feel the difference between me actually thinking, and her just popping up, non stop.

Quite annoying to say the least. And incredibly difficult to even believe.

I have “filters” as I would like to call them, meaning a block between her and my vocal cords. I can usually choose what to say, very carefully I might add. But sometimes not at all. Or more like quite frequently, like several times a day. Things come out of my mouth, sounding angry, annoyed, hostile even. And I have no idea what I just let come out of my mouth until afterwards.
My “filters” usually come undone completely or half way there. Usually when I’m exhausted, or in a fragile state of mind. Quite a lot of the time.

I may have a week of her being less active, then BOOOM, not getting any peace of mind.

It’s so hard for me to even believe what’s happening, I think I’m still a bit in denial, but trying to work myself through it.

What if I’m just imagining this?
That’s a frequent thought of mine, followed by M’s chuckle.

She’s quite sadistic, doesn’t care about other people’s emotions, wants to do what she wants. The complete opposite of me. Wants me to hurt others, quite cynical(that goes for me too.), manipulative, loves to put others down, blowing their flaws out of porpotion. And she’s got imtense moods wings. She’s like a bipolar with psychopathic tendencies.
She wants to hurt me but she doesn’t, not right away – M.
Oh and she frequently gives me migranes, especially if something someone says sets her off. Either rage, annoyance, even anxiety.
She also gives me these only physical anxiety attacks, my body is shaking and trembling, and she’s screaming about danger. No one can touch me because it’s not safe. Stuff like that.

I’m basically a slave to the voice in my own head.

It’s late, so I’ll try to get some sleep.
Needed to get this out anyways.

Moments of clarity?

One moment, I’m fine, telling myself that I can do this on my own, that I’m better off without him. Without all the uncertainty and doubt, wondering when he’ll next be online, or why he’s ignoring me, and taking so long before replying to anything, when I clearly reply ASAP.

And in the next I’m feeling sad and agitated again, mostly toward him. We haven’t spoken since some time last week, where he texted me telling me that he was sorry. Bullshit! That’s all I have to say about that. 

He said he wanted us to be friends rather than strangers again, and I agreed, because I want him to still be a part of my life. But he screwed it up, again. He’s all talk, and no action. 

I’m angry with him, there’s so many times where I have to stop myself from picking up my phone and sending him a text where I express all my anger toward him, but where would that get me? Nowhere.

I’m not used to being completely on my own, because there’s only so much that I feel comfortable sharing with my mum. But hopefully there’ll be a psychiatrist available for me soon. 

To be completely honest, I’m not sure what else I can write about at the moment, I’m a bit lost. 

Also, I want to apologise for my latest posts, I was in a really dark place. I do not want to die anymore(I think), I just really need help. But its hard getting the door slammed into your face repeatedly, especially when you’re openly asking for help.

But I just have to keep telling myself that I’ll be fine, and some day, maybe I will be?

What am I even supposed to do?

I have not heard a single word from my supposed coward of a “boyfriend” after he decided he needed a break from us. It’s been two weeks, and I’m feeling more and more alone. I have no one to talk to about it either, no one who would understand. I just feel so complete and utterly alone.

He was my rock, the one I could lean on, and now what do I have? That’s right, nothing, not a damn thing but a shattered heart.
I’m so confused. I met this great guy a few months back, in march I think. I instantly liked him, he was nice and friendly and oh so charming. And I think that I’m starting to fall for him, and it hurts.
We’ve spent time together a lot these last few weeks, and I’m pretty sure I may have already fallen for him a tad, and he feels the same about me.
But I’m scared to open up again to someone, he doesn’t even know about my scars, so I guess that if he ever sees them, he’ll be out the doors immediately.
I don’t know what to do, or how to feel about any if this.
It’s all so new, and it triggers my urges to hurt myself again.
I just do not know what to do, or who to talk to.
It’s all too soon for any of this love(?) stuff yet. I’m not even over my ex(?) yet.

God I think I’ll go mad if this keeps up. Someone put me out of my misery.

I don’t even know.

Its been a very difficult couple of weeks. Filled with doubt, anxiety and sadness.

I dont even really know how to put my feelings into words at the moment either, but at the same time I feel the need to write. So I suppose you could say that I’m pretty stuck.

It feels like there’s a raging tornado of feelings inside me, and it triggers my need to harm myself, and my anxiety.

My head is a complete mess.

These are the thoughts going through my head right now;

– I cannot cook because it triggers my anxiety, I dread crossing the road if I see a car about 80 feet away from me.  

And loads more, but I have yet to make sense of them all. But the main thing I “feel” in my head is emotions. It sounds strange, but at the same time, its very true.

I’m just a confused mess at the moment. Nothing makes sense, and I’m tempted to seek relief in my blades just to make all this confusion and gibberish go away. I want my mind to be clear and stop running around the bush a hundred times before anything makes sense. I’m exhausted.

Another thing that triggers my anxiety is if I have two things to do at the same day. Doesnt matter if it is at different times, it still stresses me out beyond belief.  Like tomorrow I have a session with my therapist at 10 am, and work at 4 pm. And my mind wont stop worrying about it. Trying to talk me into skipping the session so I dont have to deal with everything. I just want to run away, to escape. Get away from everything, especially my thoughts, and just be happy. But I suppose that’s not happening any time soon, aye?

I sleep most of my days away. Sleep is my only escape at the moment, so I try to sleep as much as I possibly can. Dreading to get out of bed to face the world.

I have this sinking feeling inside, just wanting to give up or pick up my blades again. Anything to get away from this mess. I am completely and utterly fed up. Its so exhausting.