Protected: I don’t even know what I don’t know.


This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Advertisements

Take me seriously .. !


Please, please, just this once.

I’ve taken sick leave from work, everything’s just too much these days. Anxiety is over whelming, and constant.

It’s never been this bad, and its terrifying. I just want to be able to be calm and breathe. I’m exhausted.  And when it’s like this, it brings me to the point of desperation where self injury and suicide is all I can think of. Back and forth from anxiety to self destructive behaviour.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

My mum said that it was idiocy taking time off work because of it, but she doesn’t understand, or rather, she refuses to understand.

I just can’t seem to calm down. I’m even nervous about just stepping outside, right outside of the front door. I spend up to ten to twenty minutes trying to talk myself into it, but in the end, I do it. Which is a good thing right?

It’s gradually been getting worse, mostly work related, but there has to be more to it, right?

At work I just feel like I’m in the way, annoyance, no one really wants me there. All I hear is negative stuff. It makes me anxious, insecure and depressed. I have no idea what to do about it.

I like my job, I don’t want to quit, but my new manager is horrible, and I can’t handle her. Nor do I dare speaking up to her about it.

At the same time I feel like a failure, like it’s a weakness taking time off of work just because of anxiety and mental issues. Is it?

Because that’s how my mum looks at it. She just told me to go find a new job then. But I don’t want that, I like my job, I want to keep it, it’s safe, familiar.

What am I supposed to do?

Did I do the right thing?

If anyone has ANY tips on how to deal with this kind of anxiety, please leave a comment below, it would be greatly appreciated.

– Desperate –

So fucking fed up..!!!


First they want something, then they don’t, simply because something is spicy! Jesus Fucking CHRIST!

I’m not allowed to eat. They’re pressing on my stubbornness. I’m hungry, but they won’t let me eat. So fucking fed up!

What am I supposed to do about this? Eat they say. Don’t eat they say. All for the sake of attention. His attention. Which they’re not getting. Why? Simply because he doesn’t understand. This is their, and partly also my, cry for help. The only way they know of is by trying to get his attention, good and or bad.

I hate it so fucking much.  My life shouldn’t depend on him. What I can and cannot do should not depend on him.

Their definition of other people caring is to get as much attention as possible.  They want me to hurt, because then people will notice, and then care.  Even though they’d prefer me ending up at the hospital with some kind of physical injury, because then people would care even more.

I’m just so tired of everything. It’s all just too much. I want out, but I want in. What do I actually want?

Oh, and another thing I realized yesterday, I don’t have any friends, none which I can talk to properly anyways. My family only cares when they want something.

I don’t even know what’s going on any more. I’m just done.

All I’m hearing is just overwhelming desperation from them ” We did something bad, why does he not give us attention, WHY DOESN’T HE CARE?!?!”

I’m just numb, don’t know what to think or feel any more. I want out.

I’m hungry but not allowed to eat.

I just want this to be over. Please.

I hear voices, so I must be crazy.. Right?


I hear voices, they control my behaviour and my emotions, it even goes as far as controlling what I can and cannot say. It’s like being a slave, a slave with suppressed free will.

Your own head has its own wants and needs, completely different from yours, but at times there’s agreement.

If you haven’t already noticed; Yes I’m talking about them. Melanie and Emily.

They’re the thorn in my side, someone who never shuts up, but at the same time rarely speaks. They don’t really need to.

When they’re angry, I’m angry, when they’re crying or upset, so am I.  They give me urges to do things, but it’s usually negative stuff. Over eat, don’t eat, throw your phone across the room into a wall, hurt that person. Stuff like that

“ALL ATTENTION IS GOOD ATTENTION” , Yep that’s their motto, it’s what they live for. And trust me, it’s not nice. My head’s a friggin attention whore.

But the question is, who am I in all of this? I for instance have no clue. Are they me? Am I imagining all of this? Who am I? Is it supposed to be like this?

As usual I have just sat down, not having a single clue about anything at all. I’m just writing. Isn’t that how it usually goes anyways?

Suddenly it’s dawning on me all over again, I don’t really know anything. Not really.

Worthlessness, despair, the oh so familiar wish that I could be good at something rises again. Just once, good at something on the first try, or the second or third, it doesn’t matter, just something. Just this once.

Everyone has something they’re good at right? I’m almost twenty years old, and still haven’t found a single thing.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

Feeling really welcome.


Today’s been weird as fuck.

I guess I feel depressed, but at the same time I feel really really empty, like I’m hollow. But it doesn’t hurt, not that it feels nice either. I just feel nothing. I couldn’t give two shits about anything at all. everything just seems hopeless, worthless, empty.

I’m sleeping at home today with my better half, and my step dad made us feel soooo welcome there (Sarcasm intended), I almost started crying several times. Tried refusing to eat by giving my food to my boyfriend, but sadly my mum picked up on it and gave me some more. Needless to say that I have him half of it. I’d rather he gets to fill his stomach than me.

I want out, but at the same time I couldn’t give two shits about what happens to me.

E wants me to curl up with him, cry my eyes out, and then do it again. M wants me to ignore him, just keep writing, distance myself, hopefully start feeling really shit. I don’t even have my blades with me, not that it matters, I’ve got so many options, at least in this room.

But I can’t do anything, if I did, that would be breaking the promise. I don’t break promises. They’re meant to be kept. If you can’t keep them, they shouldn’t have been made in the first place.

I get teeny tiny hints of emotions, just flickers really. Desperation, depression, annoyance, hopelessness, things like that. And at the same time, I’ve never felt so alone. I want to cry, bawl my eyes out, but I can’t. I’m too empty to even cry.

I don’t like being at “home”, it feels so unwelcome, in fact I despise it. I don’t feel like I belong here, I don’t fit in. But then again, I never did.

I just want to come home to someone who’s happy to see me, that says that they miss me even if I were to be gone for just a few hours. Someone who’s genuinely happy to see me. Someone who makes me feel welcome and loved.

Too much is going on inside right now. I have no idea of how to deal with it. I want out. I want it gone. Everything is too much.

How can it be so, when at the same time I feel like a mess, but at the same time I feel nothing at all? I’ve never ever felt this empty, border-lining to serene. It feels strangely familiar, in a very scary way.

I feel really unwanted.

What is going on exactly?


It’s been what, three days since I got the disturbing message from my psychiatrist.

And my mood’s has been going haywire ever since. I feel so strange, physically and mentally. I can’t even explain it to myself even if I wanted to. It’s closing in to desperation. I need a distraction that works. Something. Anything really. I am getting more and more desperate.

I’m either really weird, disconnected, nothing feels real, nothing feels familiar. Annoyed, angry, easily so I might add, or I’m crying just out of nowhere. Needless to say that I’m getting very fed up with everything.

I need help, I want help. I need something to get me out of this. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. Even the idea of meds seem a tiny bit appealing at the moment. Just to get out of this hell. To go back to being me. Everything just feels like it’s hazy, not there. Not really. Not real.

I feel really shaky, even M’s getting affected. She’s a lot more quiet, yet with an overwhelming presence/pressure inside my head. I really do not know what to do. What’s causing this?! I need answers. I need something. Anything.

I feel as if I were alone, all I’d do would be just sit there, doing absolutely nothing, sinking into the hazy nothingness of this nightmare.

Sure I have moments, or hours of clarity, but they’re too far between. They’re not enough.

I need distraction. My blades or a shower apparently. But right now I sadly do not have the energy to do either, nor the strength to even try. 

M keeps showing me the mental images, or emotions of me sobbing violently. She always does that just before a breakdown. But right now I do not think I even have the strength for something like that. Even breathing is draining. Not that I have much choice tho. It’s the body’s natural reflex to start breathing again after a while if you hold your breath.

The promise bothers me a lot. But I need to keep him safe. And just the thought of the fact that I cannot use my blades just makes me feel hopeless. I need relief. What usually works, does not anymore. It’s always like that with me. Something works for a while, then it stops, just as abruptly as it started. Poof, gone.

Why can’t some things just stay as they were. I don’t like changes, in fact, I hate them. Especially so when they’re happening to me, without me even being able to do anything about it.

I feel completely and utterly helpless. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? What is happening to me? The fuck is going on exactly?

All I have is a bunch of unanswered questions. No one can really answer them, no one but me. But where do I even begin to search? My head is a sticky mess, nothing makes sense, everything’s jumbled up, yet my head feels empty but at the same time heavy, the only thing’s filling it is M’s presence, perhaps the male one as well, and the strange feeling.

I never feel things in my head, or very seldom would be more precise.

Maybe what I’m feeling is dead?

I NEED A DISTRACTION. Asap. Before I break completely.

I just want to get out of this hell.  Can’t even think straight. All M’s on about is my blades and pills (OD).

Not exactly helpful (But it works..! – M).

I can’t just snap out of this, believe me I’ve tried. I need to get out of this, my boyfriend needs me, but in my current state I can’t even comfort him. Just the thought of speaking is draining.

If this is just a different kind of depression, then I’m fucked. Majorly so.

Someone. Anyone. Please help.

Mood: Desperate.

 

 

Please give me a moment of silence..


M just wont shut up, she’s been going bonkers all effing day. Commenting on this and that, telling me to do random things. Demanding is one word for it.

M, short for Melanie is the name one of the voices inside my head has taken a liking to, so that’s what she goes by. She’s the strongest one. After her is positive, and a male one. Those are quiet and not present 99% of the time.

But back to what I was on about.
It’s strange saying M’s name, or even calling the voice she, but that’s the way she wants it. And I’m slowly giving in to it, after two months of either denying her existence, or calling her “it” or “my head”.
I still have trouble accepting the fact that she’s there, and that she’s not me.

Sure she’s got my voice, just angrier and more annoying. But I can feel the difference between me actually thinking, and her just popping up, non stop.

Quite annoying to say the least. And incredibly difficult to even believe.

I have “filters” as I would like to call them, meaning a block between her and my vocal cords. I can usually choose what to say, very carefully I might add. But sometimes not at all. Or more like quite frequently, like several times a day. Things come out of my mouth, sounding angry, annoyed, hostile even. And I have no idea what I just let come out of my mouth until afterwards.
My “filters” usually come undone completely or half way there. Usually when I’m exhausted, or in a fragile state of mind. Quite a lot of the time.

I may have a week of her being less active, then BOOOM, not getting any peace of mind.

It’s so hard for me to even believe what’s happening, I think I’m still a bit in denial, but trying to work myself through it.

What if I’m just imagining this?
That’s a frequent thought of mine, followed by M’s chuckle.

She’s quite sadistic, doesn’t care about other people’s emotions, wants to do what she wants. The complete opposite of me. Wants me to hurt others, quite cynical(that goes for me too.), manipulative, loves to put others down, blowing their flaws out of porpotion. And she’s got imtense moods wings. She’s like a bipolar with psychopathic tendencies.
She wants to hurt me but she doesn’t, not right away – M.
Oh and she frequently gives me migranes, especially if something someone says sets her off. Either rage, annoyance, even anxiety.
She also gives me these only physical anxiety attacks, my body is shaking and trembling, and she’s screaming about danger. No one can touch me because it’s not safe. Stuff like that.

I’m basically a slave to the voice in my own head.

It’s late, so I’ll try to get some sleep.
Needed to get this out anyways.
Goodnight