Yet again it has been a while since I wrote here, so here I am, trying again.
As usual I don’t know what to write about. Well, I do, but there are not any words that could express it, yet.
I’m feeling so lost, anxious, hopeless, depressed, angry, and even jealous. It’s like a never ending roller coaster. Just a breakdown that’s bound to happen, again and again without fail. Just like last night..
The day of yesterday was filled with anxiety and depression, perhaps a lot of loneliness too. But in between those moods, I think I was OK, or maybe stable would be a more suitable word for it?
Everything just broke. Everything was dangerous, frightening, hopeless. Just complete and utter hopelessness. I just broke. Out of nowhere.
I wanted to tell him, but at the same time I couldn’t. I didn’t want to ruin his night, to be the bother that I know I am to everyone.
They’ll never admit it, but its what I feel is true. I’m a complete waste of space, in my opinion that is. Even if were to tell me otherwise, I still would not believe them. My emotions are too strong, too earnest and sincere, too true.
When something feels true, it must be. Right?
But then there’s another thing conflicting with that; The feeling of something not being real, that everything is an act (From your own point of view e.g what you say and do), but you do not have any control over it whatsoever.
I’m having flashbacks, at least half of them I question, are they real memories, or just something my brain created just because it seemed appropriate? I’m jumping back and forth to the conclusion that everything is real, to why does everything feel fake?
As you might be able to tell, I’m a tad, or more like, incredibly confused. So much has happened these last months, and I don’t even know where to begin. And I’m pretty sure you can guess why.
Indeed, it’s because it doesn’t feel real. The emotion I get when thinking back on it (The parts I remember) is that I’m remembering something like a dream, something that has never happened, something that my own mind has created. Something fake.
I have absolutely no clue about what to think, or even do about it. If there’s really anything I can do about it, that is.
I know it is real, that it did inf act happen, but yet it feels fake.
It’s like having one of those dreams that feel so real that you wake up really confused and disorientated, wondering for a few minutes, or maybe days, or months (like I do), if it was real or not. Was it a memory of something that has happened, or was it simply just a really realistic dream?
Do you understand my confusion, even just a little bit?
On a completely different matter, yet somehow related, there’s this feeling I have, which I really strongly dislike, hate even, but at the same time I’m dependent on it. Yup, the feeling that I hate, that makes me feel agitated, is being dependent. One of my strongest personality traits.
My fear of abandonment, its constant, and extremely intense.
Say or do something wrong? THEY’RE LEAVING. They do or say something different, or in a different tone of voice, even when it comes to wording themselves? THEY’RE LEAVING. And that ladies and gentlemen, is my head, every day.
I don’t want to depend on anyone, but I don’t know how to not either.
Sure I’m pretty damn dependent, but when it comes to making decisions? I couldn’t even do that even if my own life was depending on it. I don’t trust my own judgement, because so far, my own head has just been trying to destroy me.
I’m longing for something to numb my emotions and empty my head. Relief. And I’m getting quite desperate.
I think I’m about to break again. Bawl my eyes out, and cry myself to sleep.
But this time, I won’t call him. He’s out enjoying himself, I don’t want to ruin that. I’m not going to be the one to bring him down.
He’ll be home on the 17th this month, I’ll just have to get through the days until that.
But I have to admit, I’m exhausted, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I just want it all to be over. My self hatred is over whelming, the same with every other emotion I have. I can’t deal with this much longer. I want out, in one way or the other;
If I cannot have one (
suicide), then please let me have the other( Self injury).
.. Please ..