I’m pregnant? Yay?

I’m fifteen weeks pregnant. I’m having a baby boy.

This changes everything.

I want to do this, but I don’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s not.

How can you talk to your significant other about this? About the fact that you’re no longer sure wether you still love them or not? Simply because they’ve pushed you too far, too many times.

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally. I no longer know what to do.  Give him a time limit they say; but it’s just not that easy.  He’s going to be a dad.

It’s no longer about us, but about the baby.  If I look at it this way, the choice is clear, to leave. But I’m not ready to give up, I don’t want to give him up. I want us to raise this child together, even though I still question wether he’s actually up for the task.

But I can’t talk to him about all this, believe me, I’ve tried. All I get is anger and frustration, and him shutting me out.

I don’t want to do this alone. I’m terrified.

Was keeping the baby a huge mistake from my part? Thinking that he’ll be up for it?



Just feeling down.

Im in England, been there since thursday last week, and its been confusing and good at the same time. I’ve been insecure and scared, yet still felt loved and safe.
My main reason to come here was to sort my relationship out, should i stay or should i go? I’ve come to a decision to stay, it would hurt so much more to leave him, than to stay.

The only time i have the courage to speak about what’s troubling me about our relationship is when I’ve had a bit to drink (I’m a light weight when it comes to alcohol), and a few days ago, I did just that, and it helped, but I didn’t say everything, so yesterday I worked up my courage, along with a tad to drink, and told him what was bothering me, which was,( read: is) bothering me, how he never told me he loved me anymore, I was(am) the one who always says it first, and the same issue when it comes to me saying that I Miss him. And he just said ‘I Love you’ just like that, like it was nothing, like he didn’t even mean it. So I’m left even more insecure, and I still do not want to leave his side, I’m too In Love with him, too dependent.
I need reassurance once in a while (read: every day) that he still loves and misses me, just as much as I do when it comes to him. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, it’s completely impossible.
I don’t want to leave England, and him. I want to live here with him.
And my insecurities tell me that I’m scared, how can I be able to do that? I’ll fail, it’ll never work.
But I want it to, but do not know how.
Confused, desperate, reluctant to leave? Oh yes.

Anxiety and stuff ..

Yup, that’s basically what my life evolves around at the moment. Anxiety attack after anxiety attack.

And I don’t even know why or what could be causing them either. And its frustrating.

I can have up to five, at least, a day, without even leaving the house. Its mad.

That’s a kind of new experience to me, even though I’ve had a few over the years, but not as intense or even close to as often as now. But the weird thing is, whilst I’m at work, I’m completely fine, no anxiety at all. But the explanation that I’ve come up with for the absence of the anxiety at work is routines.

When I’m at home, I have no routines at all, and I am completely unable to stick to any sort of routine, no matter how insignificant or small. I just can’t stick to them.

Sure I can try to make a routine, and do so for ages, but I tend to fall out of them very easily.

On another matter, this sunday, october the 28th, will be my first year harm free. (read: almost) I had two minor slips, even though I did not cause any permanent damage. (read: sadly)

But the thing is, I cannot really tell if they really were slips at all, I mean, sure I meant to cause myself harm, once with a plastic band continuously slapped at my wrist until I swelled up and bruised, yet no blood had been spilt. The second time was with a beer cap, I kept digging it into my skin, hoping to bleed, yet all I achieved was disappointment and red marks. So my question is, does it count as slips?

With my anxiety levels being so high lately, the urges to harm myself has returned, and the intensity a little as well. It bothers me that I cannot give in to the urges, and It makes me wish that I never came forward about it to anyone. It was my dirty little secret. (See the reference?)

I don’t understand why I so badly want to see myself destroyed, and even gone, but I do.

I want to feel relief again, like I did when I harmed myself. Even though it was just for a little while.

I want that euphoric feeling of happiness and complete peace with myself back, like when I gave up on life that one time, it was the best feeling I’ve ever had. Though it didn’t last as long as I’d hoped it would. It was replaced by fear and worry over what I had just done, my survival instincts kicking in, only to tell me that my body was not yet ready to die, even if my mind was. (Read: still is)

I don’t know why I want to die, or why I want to make myself suffer, I really don’t.

So I guess you could say that there are a lot of things that I do not know about myself, and I even wonder if I really even want to know.

I am not a rational person, I do all my thinking and acting based on feelings, not thoughts or facts. Even though I used to be able to think rationally, but for some reason, that’s impossible for me at this point.

My emotions and thoughts are just one big hole of confusion and indecisiveness.

The only thing that I do know is that I want to die, or have the second best, my self injury back.


Temptation. Content may be triggering.

Tomorrow I’ll be nine months clean, but I have to say, It’s been pretty tough.

I am very often overwhelmed by urges to harm myself, usually at work for some reason. Even though I am surrounded by sharp knives and objects, so I guess that doesn’t really help, does it?

It’s been a long road, and it’s far from over, but I try my best to stay clean, simply because I do not want to hurt my boyfriend anymore, or put him through more shit that I already have.

Today has been one of those days, and something that happened yesterday was the trigger.

I was at work, cleaning something, when all of a sudden I felt something running down my arm, so I look down, hoping that it’s blood, but it was just water. Disappointed much? Yup.

Just that sensation of that drop of water running down my arm made me miss hurting myself a lot. Just feeling the blood running down my arm, watching it. For some bizarre reason I seem to like it.

So today I was so distant because I was fighting the urges, fighting thoughts about picking up a knife and just do it, everything will be so much clearer then, you’ll feel lighter. And whatnot.

And it was so hard not to do it.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is the relationship that I have with my boyfriend. He is busy with work, and so am I, but he never has time for me anymore, all he does on his days off is to go out and drink with his friends, and when we do talk, he complains about being bored, or just can’t seem to be bothered to talk much with me and just goes to watch TV.  It can even go weeks between any communication between neither of us. And when I text him, he just doesn’t seem to really want to talk to me at all, just short replies really, so I’ve just stopped.

Is it really too much to ask for him to come online once in a while to talk for a little bit? Or text me sometimes? Apparently so.

We have almost been together for two years, but I’m starting to doubt wither it’ll last much longer.


It’s strange, how things work out, how they affect you.

Like, if I don’t have a session with my therapist in weeks, everything goes downhill, and in the worst cases, I turn suicidal and things like that. And now, I’ve started with TFT, as I’ve said in previous posts. And what we’re focusing on is my eating, because it seems to me that I may be sort of scared of food. I haven’t figured that out yet. Anyhow, my point is that when I have session, and after a session, I’m able to not be so conscious about what I eat and how much and things like that, but if I don’t have a session in a long time, I go back to my old habits. Eating gets more difficult, I don’t eat if I’m hungry, and only eat a little amount of food twice a day, sometimes once.  I’m scared of eating too much, having too many meals.

It’s strange, because a part of me wants to not eat, and I’m guessing that’s my anxiety mixed with self destruction. Like it’s a replacement for my harming. I don’t really know, but that’s what I’m guessing it is.

I don’t know how people can force themselves to eat when your mind tells you not to, that you do not want food.

I do not want to eat, but still I do. Why?  My reason is that I lack self control.

I cannot control anything in my life, nor make decisions on my own. And eating, that’s something I can control. But yet, I fail at it. Again, and again, and again.

What I’ve had today is, my vitamins, a glass of milk, some fizzy drink, some chocolate, dinner; a potato, one carrot, and some bites of sausage. And a little rice pudding.   Seeing it like this is so overwhelming. It’s so much. Too much.

Yet I know that it’s not. But my mind wont realize it, won’t believe it.

I wish I knew how to fix it. But the real question is, do I want to?

I’m never doing anything for myself, I just can’t. So I’m trying because of my boyfriend, because it worries him so much. But at the same time, I can’t take myself seriously, I don’t see that I have a problem with food, because it swings so much. How can I have a problem with food when I still eat?

When I eat, and smell or see food after, I feel sick. I just want to get away from it. It feels more like disgust than anxiety, but I don’t know anymore.

I just have my mind telling me that I do not want food, that I do not want to eat.

I just don’t know what to do.

So terribly insecure.

And I hate it.

Just the same with changes, I hate them. Make one small change, and you’ll turn my world upside down, leaving me clueless and confused.

I read way too much into things, read between the lines, look for secret meanings, even double meanings, because that’s what I’ve grown up with. I don’t really notice doing it before it’s done and the thoughts are formed, then there’s no way back.

What stupid thing got to me this time you ask? Well, a minor thing, could mean everything, but it could also mean nothing at all. I don’t think he’s aware of it, or maybe he is?   argh see? This is how my head works, completely and utterly messed up.

Just because he’s started to say the words ‘much love’  instead of ‘I love you’.   Stupid I know.

But I’m scared he’s meaning something by it, that he doesn’t love me as much as he used to, or that he doesn’t love me at all. I get all these thoughts because I’m so terrified to lose him, like you have no idea how afraid I am of exactly that.

It could still mean I love you, but at the same time it couldn’t. It kind of depends on what he puts behind it.

I put so much though behind every word I write, to make it right, for me and for others. To not hurt or insult them, or make them feel like I dont care, because I do, and sometimes, too much.

i haven’t written in a while, which you might have noticed ( If anyone reads this that is), and I don’t really have a reason, I just haven’t done it.

Right now I’m sitting here thinking about what I wanted to do a few days ago or so, this weekend i think?

I wanted to get out of therapy, quit my meds and everything, just wanting to feel “normal” again.  But I really don’t know if I want to anymore, I really don’t.


I’m so confused and torn right now.

Long time no see?

I just realized that it has been almost two weeks or so since I last wrote a post, and I don’t know, it feels weird.

I’ve been in England these last four days visiting my boyfriend, and I really haven’t been this happy in ages, probably not since November last year.

I don’t really have anything else to say, so I’ll just wrap it up and end it with a sort of poem I wrote on the plane home yesterday evening/night.

(Just for the record; I’m still clean, no harming, I’ve kept the promise to myself, and I hope I can keep it this way.)

Drown your sorrows:

Hurry home, where they are waiting

Those razorblades, now stop resisting

You know you want this,

No doubt in mind

Now drown your sorrows,

Don’t let them behind.


Images like flashing lights

Blinding you, your mind and sight

Sadness is your biggest fright

So drown your sorrows

With me tonight.


What can you do when neither words or actions are enough to prove to someone that you love them, it’s only him or her you want, but they just can’t seem to understand why, what do you do? Keep on telling and showing them? Give up? I don’t know.

I know how hard it is to accept something you don’t understand, you keep wondering why, when you really should just accept it and enjoy every second of it, if it’s a positive thing that is.

I hate what doubt does to you, how it makes you feel, and questions every possible thing in your life, good or/and bad, it never seems satisfied. It’s what makes you unable to accept things the way they are.

When you’ve given all you have and it still isn’t enough, what do you do?

Will the mind ever be satisfied?

One last thing that’s incredibly important when it comes to love; don’t ever try to understand it, just accept it. It makes everything so much easier.

Bekka –InsideOut